Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is about more than family, football and unbridled gluttony. It is an opportunity to take inventory of the numerous blessings we have received over the past year. Despite the re-election of Dubya and the disturbing ascent of Clay Aiken, the year 2004 has also provided its share of things for which we can be thankful.

So during this year's Thanksgiving meal, as I sling back mounds of turkey meat and canned cranberries that glisten like Kama Sutra oils, I will be musing upon these blessings:

I am thankful for my friends, my wonderful family, my reasonably good health. Most of all, I am thankful for the year I married and committed myself to the love of my life, my wife.

OK, now that I have the sappy part out of the way...

I am thankful for director commentaries on DVDs, defamer.com and "Dinner for Five" on IFC. Now I can pretend to be a real Hollywood insider without having to ingest potentially lethal amounts of cocaine and sodomize a Weinstein.

I am thankful that Yassir (That's My Baby) Arafat is dead. He's bound to smell better now.

I am thankful that Macauley Culkin gets, you know, like, totally way way high.

I am thankful for the Boston Red Sox. Screw the Bambino -- it's time to get over it.

I am thankful -- really thankful -- for rampant lesbianism.

I am thankful that Chris Matthews' spittle cannot come through the television screen and soak my shirt.

I am thankful that somewhere out there at this very moment a Swift Boat Veteran for Truth is probably enduring an excrutiatingly painful piss.

I am thankful for the curious euphoria that results about 15 minutes after that first morning cup of coffee.

I am thankful we live in a country where a mega-rich slut with a horsey face can be celebrated for having sex with her boyfriend on videotape.

I am thankful that Mel Gibson finally cleared up that whole mess about Jesus and the crucifixion. So the Jews did kill Christ. And to think that this entire time I thought God was punishing me for no good reason.

I am thankful Christina Ricci is not above the occasional nude scene.

I am so thankful that in the midst of a war spurred by erroneous intelligence, an all-time federal budget deficit, the decline of environmental safeguards, a constant terrorist threat, corporate scandals and worldwide hatred of the United States, my fellow countrymen in 11 states (including my native Oklahoma) have put their collective Holy hot-foot down when it comes to allowing the matrimonial bond of gays and lesbians who are in love and want to make a life-long commitment. As they said on "Hee Haw" : Saaaaa-loooot!

I am thankful that Michael Moore hasn't eaten my leg. Yet.

I am thankful for New York tabloids and their exhaustive coverage of such stories as a recent incident in which five teens were arrested after one tossed a 20-lb. frozen turkey through the windshield of an oncoming car on a Long Island freeway. It elicited this remorseful statement from one of the kids: "I also want to add that I am very sorry this happened ... and I had no idea that Ryan was going to throw the turkey out the window." I believe the children are the future ...

I am thankful the voices have stopped.

I am thankful that Ben Stiller makes dozens of movies each year, but still can't penetrate my dreams.

I am thankful Donald Rumsfeld is not my grandfather.

I am thankful for all the morbidly obese people wearing sweatpants and wife-beater T-shirts standing in line at the supermarket. They make me feel good about myself.

I am thankful for the Ukraine, which makes the United States' election system look so friggin' awesome by comparison.

That's it. Have a safe and delicious turkey day. And don't forget to give thanks.