Thursday, March 24, 2005

The Ladies of "SNL"

In response to a query from a close friend and avid reader -- whom we will call Buck Nekkid, as per his unorthodox request -- we humbly present the following list of the All-Time Top Ten female hotties to have graced "Saturday Night Live."

While the following list of celebrity babes might appear to smack of hormone-addled immaturity (there, I said it and I feel better for having said it), please rest assured that such a perception is only an illusion.

10. Ana Gasteyer
Interesting face with kind of a squinty-eyed-Ellen Barkin-thing going on, her dead-on impersonation of Martha Stewart even managed to spice up the sex appeal of America's Do-It-Yourself Diva.

9. Molly Shannon
A terrific physical comedianne whose subsequent movie career has been disappointing (although she's set to co-star in Sofia Coppola's next movie, which is promising). Still, we yearn for her notably limber "SNL" antics: "I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it!"

8. Jane Curtin
Classically attractive and a great straight woman (in the comedic sense, that is), Jane always seemed a bit too well-heeled for the original Not-Ready-for-Primetime Players. Even so, she made an excellent "ignorant slut."

7. Victoria Jackson
The quintessential dumb blonde caricature wore thin, but we thought she was sexy in the way Betty Boop is sexy (yes, yes, I know she's a cartoon). Besides, we still liked Victoria's high-steppin' rendition of "I Am Not a Bimbo."

6. Maya Rudolph
Among the new crop of gifted "SNL"ers, her Donatella Versace impression can be a bit grating, but damn she looks fine in a wig and skimpy dress.

5. Cheri Oteri
Maybe we're just inordinately fond of any actress who dons a cheerleader outfit (OK, not just any actress; Tori Spelling comes to mind, f'r instance), but it helps, too, that Cheri Oteri is an attractive version of Imogene Coca.

4. Amy Poehler
This blonde funny woman has proven to be an excellent addition co-anchoring "Weekend Update" with Tina Fey. And, of course, she's a definite cutie.

3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
OK, so her stint at "SNL" made Anthony Michael-Hall look like a comparative skit-comedy veteran, but there's no denying she's as much a hottie as she is funny.

2. Jan Hooks
A personal favorite of ours, Jan Hooks is one of the forgotten great comedic actresses of "SNL" -- and mighty sexy, to boot. And she earned bonus points for injecting a type of sultriness to impersonations of icons as disparate as Diane Sawyer and Jessica Hahn.

1. Tina Fey
The undisputed champ of "Saturday Night Live" hotties. Those lips! Those eyes! Those smart-girl glasses! And best of all, she has a razor-sharp sense of humor, having served as chief writer for the show and as screenwriter of the flick Mean Girls.

So there you have it, Buck. Next time, I'm gonna go ahead and pursue that Top 10 Finnish Mathematicians list you talked me out of.


At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Buck said...

Bless you, Chase.

So I'm all hepped up when I see the post's title, then my hep drops dramatically when I see you lead off with Ana. But a quick pop to reveals that pickins are surprisingly slim. Unless you want to include featured players (particularly Laura Kightlinger - as if Jack Black wasn't already one the luckiest guys on Earth), then it's tough to find any replacements for your list. Garofalo (Hi, Janeane!) would easily make mine, though. I freeely admit I would have taken her over Uma in that cat movie.

Ana - Gadzooks. Why not just pick Robin Duke? E.Barkin was attractive only because she had some curves, and Ana sure ain't got those.

Molly - ranked too low. Those dimples...yum. Bonus points for wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit and showing her undies. Oh, yeah. "Nice bulbs," Molly.

Jane - ranked FAR too low. "Classic" indeed. And yes, Young Jane was so attractive that it was difficult to find her funny. Later played second-fiddle to Susan St. James, but still had IT opposite John Lithgow. If you had to take one SNL gal home to meet Mom, it was Young Jane. Correct raking: #2

Victoria - please. Fat blondes = No thanks.

Maya - Very tasty. Ranks only behind Jane in the all-important complexion category. I'd like to hook up with her at a bar and then brag to all my friends. Well, friend.

Cheri - The riddle of the Sphinx: would Cheri still be hot without the cheerleader outfit? Survey says: yes.

Amy - Giddy-up. That smirk cuts right through me. I'd do 'er, even if she DID only have one leg. And when she wears that W.Update blazer, you just KNOW she smells great.

Elaine, er.. Julia - Julia's only hot moment on SNL was the Xmas special where she played an incestuous Marie Osmond. Still, her Elaine legacy demands a high rating. The early Seinfeld years, when she'd wear those cotton dresses with white socks and boots? Yowsa. Why didn't every petite brunette in America adopt that look? Didn't we pass a law? Wasn't Clinton in office? How did this not happen?

Jan - yeah, yeah... you and I have gone 'round and 'round on this. In defense of my anti-Jan argument, the pic you linked is false advertising.

Tina - Good God, yes. How can someone that delicious be that clever? And why, oh WHY, haven't they had her and Amy makeout on top of the Weekend Update desk? How many letters do we have to write?

So thanks for indulging, Chase. And for your non-misogynistic viewers, we now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Brett said...

One's sense of humor definitely influences where one places these ladies. The fact that my next laugh at a Fey/Poehler "Update" will be my first gives away how I'd shuffle this list.

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


good list.. don't have too many problems with it. I would take out Victoria Jackson and add Ellen Cleghorne. Most of all THANK YOU for not including Janeane Garofalo.
I might also add Terry Sweeney because of that fabulous Nancy Reagan she did.

At 12:21 AM, Blogger FilSchiesty said...

Great list.
I also agree with the anon. comment about leaving out Janeane Garofalo.

And #1 Tina Fey. She is a hottie!

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Pissed Off Hillbilly said...

Hottest segment with Julia Louis-Dreyfus:
The Girls Of Saturday Night Live Playboy spoof.

The girls are all in skimpy underwear. Mary Gross was in it also. Hot in a secretary-school teacher kind of way.

This episode is never rerun thatI can find.

At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Happiness Stan said...

The absence of Laraine Newman or Pamela Stephenson from this list renders the whole exercise suspect.

At 12:26 AM, Blogger LJ said...

Tina only got hot in the late 90s. Check her out at my wedding in the late 80s...

At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The absence of Laraine Newman or Pamela Stephenson from this list renders the whole exercise suspect.

what he said...

Laraine was the original sexy SNL omit her is fraud...

and I'd kick Cheri Oteri up a few spots, BUT THAT'S JUST ME!

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


all i have to say!

S U P E R S T A R !

At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

who was that chubby blonde in the "Delta Delta Delta; can I help ya help ya help ya?" skits?

not the best figure or anything, but she did have an erotic buzz

At 8:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah i would really like to know who that chubby blonde was too!!

i am a member of tridelta and really want to watch that clip again but i can't seem to find it anywhere!

At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

She was Melanie Hutsell, I think.

At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your omission of Gilda Radner makes this entire list worthless.


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