The Bitch Is Back, Not

One of my oldest and dearest friends recently received a blast from the past from someone he used to be seriously involved with, a woman who we will heretofore refer to as Evil Monstrous Bitch (EMB). If you'll indulge me for a bit, I simply wanted to share this as a cautionary tale of how not to break up.

The thing is, my friend, whom we will call Buck Nekkid (per his request), is a bit of a hard-drinking, golf-obsessed misogynous prick to begin with -- and I mean that in the best possible sense -- so the guy wasn't exactly predisposed toward romantic idealism in the first place. Still, Buck had put aside such uncharitable views for the sake of the EMB, for whom he had fallen hard and with whom he planned a future of white-picket fences, minivans, ritalin-popping children and the whole domestic-bliss shebang.

But it turned into a long-distance relationship when Buck moved out of state for a better-paying job. It became more difficult for Buck and the EMB to see one another. And then, one day, she just vanished into thin air.

No return phone calls, emails or letters. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. The silence was brutal, the quiet of the condemned waiting for the call that never arrives from the governor. And Buck, whose he-man, woman-hating days of yesteryear had been dormant for so long, let the psychological wounds fester -- thanks, in no small part, to the solicitousness of some fine American distilleries.

A year went by. Then another -- and another. And then a little more than a week ago, the EMB sends Buck the following email:

I should probably continue to leave you alone, as I've always believed it is best for you, but life is short and you should probably tell people how you feel. (I had a major wreck on the highway in the [make and model of car withheld for its own protection] recently and shouldn't be here today to be bugging you so you never know when it's your last chance to say something….)

Any way, I've been working for [nameless company] for a while now in [a city in Texas where the state capitol is located], and having a hard time with the change, but tonight on the way home from work, I heard the [pop rock band] singing [single produced by aforementioned pop rock band] and it made me so happy. It's amazing to me how many times a day I think of you ... You are still the best time of my life.

I hope all is well with you ...

So what is more horrible than freezing out someone with not so much as an explanation? Well, genocide, for one ... oh, and torture with broken light bulbs ... and Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and .... Hmm. Come to think of it, I guess a lot of things are more horrible, actually...

But I digress.

Q: What comes close to as horrible?

A: The self-serving and short-sighted email out of the blue that is about assuaging one's guilty conscience, not righting previous wrongs.

Hang in there, Buck ... and just to indulge that misogynous sweet-tooth of yours, here are Ten (with apologies to John Lee Hooker) Wimmen who rival the EMB in the mean ol' bee-otch department:

10. Britney Spears
You doubt her inclusion? Check out her punditry in Fahrenheit 9/11. Diva tantrums, two hare-brained marriages, an unquestioned faith in the judgment of one George W. Bush and talents best suited for a truck-stop lapdance.

9. Leona Helmsley
Here's a retro choice. The once-infamous "Queen of Mean" was a billionaire jailbird tyrant long before Martha Stewart made it cool.

8. Ann Coulter
A hateful, venom-drippin' shrew of a human being who, we suspect, went to the Renee Richards' Finishing School.

7. Paris Hilton
Horsey-faecd, snobbish and slutty is no way to go through life, hon.

6. Yoko Ono
How could the woman who broke up the Beatles not be on this list?

5. Anna Nicole Smith
She voluptuous and stoopid... scratch that, she's fat and stoopid ... no, wait, she's thin and stoopid ... I mean, she's thin, flat broke and stoopid ...

4. Courtney Love
America's sweetheart drove her gifted husband to suicide and like the blood-sucking vampire she is, swooped from his grave to launch her own celebrity. Lucky for her, such crass exploitation can buy a lotta smack.

3. Jessica Hahn
The penultimate bimbo. This one-time church secretary managed to parlay an affair with PTL founder Jim Bakker into a full-blown career. Where would Howard Stern be without trailblazers like Jessica having led the way?

2. Lynndie England
Does this really need an explanation? That said, we know that P.F.C. Lynndie is pregnant and due to deliver soon. Does Babies "R" Us carry toy pitchforks?

1. Lorena Bobbitt
Um... she cut off a penis and tossed it out a car window. Nuff' said.