Bad Santa
I'm 39 years old and, in that span of time, I've heard "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" enough times to have my ears dissolve into cartilage burgers. But I never really pondered the lyrics, not closely, until recently.
And ladies and gentlemen, it is some scary shit:
You'd better watch out.
You'd better not cry.
You'd better not pout.
I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is comin' to town.
and this ...
He sees when you are sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good.
So be good, for goodness sake.
Who exactly wrote this song? Freddie Krueger? Michael Jackson? The NSA?
It is mighty strange that the arbiters of Christmas iconography determined once upon a time that children would warm up to a fat guy who watches them in bed and somewhere along the way inserted a microchip that monitored their innermost thoughts.
A friend's 4-year-old daughter has an almost rabid fear of Santa Claus, and I have to say that it is certainly understandable. The more you think about it, I don't see why more kids don't take out victims' protective orders with regard to ol' Saint Nick.
posted by Chase McInerney @ 10:15 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
NSA? I might have known the National Society of Accountants was a bunch of filthy child lovers.
Let's not forget one of the scariest pieces of the Santa mythos -- here is a man who is breaking into your house, silently, always while you're asleep. Your parents can't stop him. Nobody can.
I can't remember when I figured out that Santa wasn't real, but it relaxed me greatly to stop worrying about this fat cat burglar.
Granted, that fear was replaced by the one in which I thought, if my parents knew I no longer believed, that I would cease to receive gifts. I have never been terribly well in the head.
It's parents' way of making sure their kids are happy for presents, but scared into decency because Santa is always watching.
What's more, he's making a list. And checking it. Not once, but twice.
Excluding that little twerp from The Mikado, the most infamous list-makers of the last dozen decades or so were Tailgunner Joe McCarthy and Richard "Enemies List" Nixon.
And that Claus guy. I'd be scared too.
This reminds me of how so many people think the song "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is romantic. Have these people listened to the lyrics?! It is clearly a stalker working on his last shred of sanity.
Especially if Saint Nick looks anything like this pic:
http://askthepope.blogspot.com/2005/12/ho-ho-ho.html
In the listmakers category, you forgot the most notorious of them all -- he kept neat, typed lists and regularly checked them (not twice, but daily) for his latest purges, executions and gulag internments. His name was Josef Stalin.
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