Jane, You Ignorant Slut

By Surly

The staff here at CTTC is committed to presenting both sides of all arguments.

OK, that’s clearly a lie. If this site leans any further to the left, it will throw off the planet’s rotation and hurl us into the sun. I mean, c’mon, Chase -- you’re gonna bitch about the port deal? Be honest -- if Dubya had blocked it, we would have seen a post about racial profiling.

But this is not about defending an indefensible administration. This is about a much more serious threat to national security. This is about children. Specifically, it’s about how all children suck-diddily-uck. Chase may have a freshly hatched one he seems to accept, but don’t be fooled …

ALL KIDS SUCK.

Now, if you’re a parent, you’re probably saying, “No, Surly, kids don’t suck; you suck. And even if other kids do suck, my little angel is a blessing.”

Well, you’re wrong.

Your kid is loud and messy and sucks. All those friends and relatives who claim to “luv” your adorable bundle of joy are just blowing smoke up your ass. No one likes your kid.

What has your kid, or any kid, done for society? No kid has done squat since Tiger hit those 3-woods on the Mike Douglas show. Well, Natalie Portman was hot in Beautiful Girls, but that’s a different post.

My point? My point is simply this -- keep your devil spawn away from those of us either wise enough to use contraceptives or pathetic enough to never get laid. We don’t want to hear the little freak wailing in line at Wal-Mart, nor do we want to look at it smear creamed corn on its face at Golden Corral. We’re trying to eat here, damn it!

If I can be arrested for urinating on the front door at Circle K, then why can’t you be arrested for hauling your screaming yard ape aboard my Super Saver flight to Vegas?

Until America relocates all children to, oh, let’s say Iowa, then the terrorists have already won.