Shock and Y'awl

By Surly

Thanks for the invite, Chase. I’ll try not to leave my beer within reach of Apple Rosebud.

Yes, I’m in Mayberry, and after living my entire life in Oklahoma, I was prepared for a certain degree of culture shock. I didn't think, however, that I was moving to "The South." Since Mapquest instructions for my drive out consisted of "Get on I-40, drive two days, get off I-40," I just thought I was headed east.

Nooope.

In deference to Chase's love for lists, here now are the Top 3 annoyances of life in the Tar Heel State:

3. Language. Have you ever used the term "Yankee" when not talking about baseball? Me neither. It's used often (and derisively) around here, though. Those crazy Rebs ... they sure can hold a grudge. Oh, and after five years of integrating my Okie accent with a Mayberry accent, you can bet I sound like one smart cookie when I speak.

2. NASCAR. Holy crap. No amount of bad Comedy Central stand-up can properly convey the stranglehold this "sport" has on the region's consciousness. My cellmates at work are in NASCAR fantasy leagues. As if Mondays weren't bad enough, now I have to overhear conversations about how "Billy Bob Jack shoulda drafted better comin' out turn 3" (and yes, it disgusts me that I'm familiar with the terms "drafting" and "turn 3"). I even made the monumentally bad decision to attend a race, and I can assure you it's even louder, dirtier, and more boring than you think. On the plus side, you're allowed to bring your own booze.

1. Food. Forget the fact that I don't have access to Pearl's. Or Goldie's. Or any Tex-Mex (I'd sell my mother to a street gang right now for a platter of enchiladas from Chelinos). The real crime is what they do to otherwise edible food. I always thought of coleslaw as a side dish, but apparently it's actually a condiment. I never thought I'd have to say "hold the coleslaw" when ordering a burger, but I thought wrong.

The worst is BBQ. They're extremely proud of their BBQ here, which would be fine if it was anything to be proud of. Instead, it's some sort of vinegar-based concoction that comes out gray. Nothing gets the mouth watering like a pile of gray meat. "Ya want me ta top that off with some coleslaw, hon'?"

At least the grocery stores sell 6-point beer.