If I Ran the Oscars

With the Academy Awards upon us, I am taking personal privilege to offer what would have been my nominations and winners. I know, I know -- it's a wild, far-out concept.

Best picture:

Capote
The Constant Gardener
Munich
Brokeback Mountain
The Squid and the Whale

And the Oscar should go to: Brokeback Mountain










All of the aforementioned are great movies, but any motion picture that enters the rarefied air of cultural watershed without actually trumpeting a social or political agenda must be recognized for what it is: a bona fide masterpiece. It is rare to find a movie that can change hearts without tugging on heartstrings, but Brokeback Mountain works precisely because it does not bask in its own daring. Sure, the movie has generated lots of media buzz -- so much, in fact, that the title has already transmogrified into a cultural punchline -- but you can't blame the film itself for that. Director Ang Lee and screenwriters Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana truly made art with this beautiful, poetic and ultimately tragic picture.

But the Oscar will go to: The same

The Academy will get it right this year.

Best Actor:

Russell Crowe, Cinderella Man
David Straitharn, Good Night and Good Luck
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain

And the Oscar should go to: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote










Hoffman's performance is the kind that lives on for decades. If he had done nothing more than perfectly mimic Truman Capote's baby voice and effete mannerisms, that would have been enough to impress audiences. But Hoffman did much better, inhabiting the iconic character and conveying all the competing complexities -- self-aggrandizing and vicious, sensitive and self-loathing -- that made him human.

But it will go to: The same

Like I said, every once in a while the Academy does do the right thing.

Best Actress:

Joan Allen, The Upside of Anger
Toni Collette, In Her Shoes
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Clare Danes, Shopgirl
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener

And the Oscar should go to: Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener










Inexplicably, the Academy actually nominated Weisz for a best supporting actress Oscar, even though she is obviously a co-lead in the movie. Weisz is pure charisma in Constant Gardener, a flirty force of nature who does what she needs to do for the crusade she champions. It is the sort of performance that should catapult someone to A-list status. Alas, it hasn't happened for her -- yet.

But it will go to: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Since Weisz is nominated in the best supporting actress category, I would concede that, given the nominees, Witherspoon is deserving of the honor here. That said, I have to admit that, as of this writing, I have not seen Felicity Huffman in Transamerica.

Best Supporting Actor:
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Matt Dillon, Crash
Terrence Howard, Crash
Jeffrey Wright, Broken Flowers
Ben Kingsley, Oliver Twist

And the Oscar should go to: Matt Dillon, Crash









In a movie overflowing with outstanding performances, Dillon was a standout as a racist cop harboring more humanity than he cares to admit. Granted, the script provided the character with shades of ambivalence, but it was Dillon who can sell a monologue about his dying father. In the hands of a lesser actor, the dialogue would have sounded like speechifying. As it is, the scene is spellbinding.

But it will go to: George Clooney, Syriana

The Academy, like God (probably synonymous in the minds of many Academy voters), moves in mysterious ways. The reasoning goes that Clooney, because he won't win for Good Night, and Good Luck, will receive the recognition for his competent, but hardly award-worthy, work in Syriana.

Best Supporting Actress:

Glenn Close, Heights
Tandie Newton, Crash
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
Maria Bello, A History of Violence
Amy Adams, Junebug

And the Oscar should go to: Amy Adams, Junebug










Adams was the best thing about Junebug with a performance that straddles the line between daffy and heartbreaking. Hell, I ended up getting a crush on her character, and that hasn't happened to me since I caught Dyanna Lauren in Bad Wives, so that's gotta count for something.

But it will go to: Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener

Of course, she'll get the award, since it's a lead masquerading as a supporting role.

Best Screenplay (adapted):

Jeffrey Caine, The Constant Gardener
Dan Futterman, Capote
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, Munich
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Gregg Araki, Mysterious Skin

And the Oscar should go to: Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain












There isn't a single false note in the McMurtry-Ossana script for Brokeback Mountain, as the screenwriters unfold the doomed love story with patience and precision. At every turn, the pair avoid what surely was a temptation to make the Big Statement. Instead, they settled for richly drawn characters who act in ways wholly believable.

But it will go to: The same

Best Screenplay (original):

Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
Guillermo Arriaga, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Cliff Hollingsworth and Akiva Goldsman, Cinderella Man
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baunbach, The Squid and the Whale

And the Oscar should go to: Noah Baunbach, The Squid and the Whale










Baunbach's quasi-autobiographical screenplay is so scorching, it might just cause lesions. Bitterly humorous and humorously bitter, it rings with the authenticity of what happens when narcissists go bad. For my money, this is the toughest category of the year, since Guillermo Arriaga and Woody Allen also produced amazing work in 2005.

But it will go to: Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

Hollywood likes slightly didactic message movies -- even when the message is that they're all racist pricks.

Best Director:

Fernando Meirelles, The Constant Gardener
Bennett Miller, Capote
Steven Spielberg, Munich
Gregg Araki, Mysterious Skin
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain

And the Oscar should go to: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain












Araki and Spielberg contributed powerful films this year, but both are a bit unwieldy, particularly Munich, which could've stood some more judicious editing. Brokeback Mountain's Lee should win for being the year's one pitch-perfect movie.

But it will go to: The same

Like there was ever any doubt.

Best Documentary:

Grizzly Man
Murderball
March of the Penguins
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
The Aristocrats

And the Oscar should go to: Murderball










There were some tremendous documentaries this year, but none bottled the emotional resonance of this provocative glimpse of the U.S. Paralympics rugby team. Featuring two larger-than-life personalities, Mark Zupan and Joe Soares, Murderball inspires without being brazenly manipulative. It is a movie that registers on a variety of levels. In short, it is magnificent.

But it will go to: March of the Penguins

Now, don't get me wrong -- I really liked this picture. No one can deny the Herculean task it took the filmmakers to follow these birds in their cyclical travails of procreation (the outtakes shown during the final credits really illustrate the pains to which the cinematographers went). Still, March of the Penguins didn't strike me as so different from any number of terrific animal documentaries you might come across on Animal Planet. But who gives a damn what I think? The picture was the sleeper hit of the summer, and no wheelchair-bound thugs -- or Kenny Lay, for that matter -- are gonna get in the way of Academy voters rewarding the one documentary that actually made lots of moolah.