Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Sex Tape Derby

I will not be ignored.

Several posts ago, I proposed a game of some intellectual caprice (or smut, depending on your point of view). Read here for more.

In a nutshell, my fanciful proposition was this: Amid a growing trend of celebrities (Paris Hilton, Fred Durst and the like) who are caught on homemade videos doing the beast with two backs, let's say -- just for the sake of argument, mind you -- that you were forced, with eyes pried open, to watch a video (or DVD, if you wanna be all hip and with it) featuring certain celebs in various states of doing you-know-what.

Let's say you had to pick .... Whom would you rather be forced to view?

(Please note: This is not your run-of-the-mill "would yah rather" game. There is more nuance involved here ... or so I would have myself believe)

1. Bijou Phillips or Liv Tyler?

2. Kenny G or Kenny from South Park?

3. Nancy Grace or Gloria Allred?

4. Chris Rock or The Rock?

5. Tori Amos or Fiona Apple?

6. George Stephanapoulos or Tucker Carlson?

C'mon, fess up ...

11 Comments:

At 12:26 PM, Blogger OKPartisan said...

Would Tucker keep his bowtie on?

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger OKPartisan said...

And would they have to kill Kenny in it?

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Chase McInerney said...

I suppose Tucker could keep his bowtie on for some sort of creepy Chippendale's effect.

As for killing Kenny at the end, I dunno. In a sex tape? Let's hope not. Isn't that kinda how the lead singer of INXS went?

 
At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liv for her big luscious lips;

Kenny G although you wouldn't know if you were looking at his head or a particularly unkempt pubic region, (if I had a nickel), ummm.

Gloria Allred if we could kill her at the end instead of Kenny.

Chris Rock, (have you seen the size of his hands!!?)

Fiona Apple, you can hear Tori Amos scream in ecstasy just by listening to one of her albums;

That last one is so hard but I'm going with neither. Couldn't Matt Lauer or Brian Williams have been a media choice? Yummy.

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Hortense Scabbard said...

1. Bijou. Granted, my tastes run more toward Ms. Tyler, but Bijou looks like she could get hopped up on poppers and grind like the gears on a Gremlin.

2. Kenny from South Park. Kenny has no fear and is apparently indestructible. Kenny G just blows.

3. Gloria Allred. Nancy Grace is a man, and I'm not certain Gloria Allred has actual sex, but prefers to hector her partner/opponent until he/she is blubbering uncontrollably. Since Grace is repulsive in every way, I'll take Allred for pure Wagnerian theatrical value.

4. Tori Amos. Apple would have miserable sex and immediately run off to the bathroom to vomit. By comparison, Amos once let a pig suckle on her breast during a photo shoot. Yee-haw! She's so witchy, she could prove to be a wicked snakehandler.

5. Snuffleupagus. Everyone knows that in the twisted underworld of D.C. sex clubs, wearing a bowtie is code for autoerotic asphyxiation enthusiasts to recognize one another. You know that Carlson and George Will are getting all Michael Hutchence on each other. On the other hand, we'd have to watch Snuffy with Alexandra Wentworth, and that cannot be fun, either.

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous Hortense Scabbard said...

I'm so sorry, I forgot Chris Rock or The Rock.

Answer: Chris Rock, mainly because of the magical combination of his ridiculous smile and his bottomless levels of anger -- en flagrante delicto, that could be super-scary. A video of the Rock would most likely be of him pumping jimmy to the new Madame Tussaud's wax statue of himself that was just delivered to his house.

 
At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Blake said...

First... Hats off to you, Chase, for not taking NO for answer.

Second... holy fuggin moly! I thought I was acomplished at "would ya?" (which is what this is, Chase. not that there's anything wrong with that), but Hortense has put me in my place. Egads.

Now that I feel inadequate, I'll meekly mention that Tori is ultra-tasty. And in a feeble attempt to regain my manhood, I'll crow that in the album cover pick of her on the porch of shack, she looks like a chick I actually did. Yeah, I rock.

 
At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Blake said...

Obviously, my Tori look-a-like was not hung up on spelling or the use of articles. I may only rock in the G.E.D. world, but that still counts.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nancy Grace easily over Gloria Allred, however...Gloria's daughter, Lisa Bloom of CourtTV is hotter than both Nancy and Gloria. Give Nancy her due though. Being from Atlanta, I can recall seeing her back in the late eighties - early nineties numerous times in the upscale Buckhead area in the company of some of Atlanta's professional black athletes. Always dressed in what we would call "Melrose Place suits" cut way above the knee with 4' stiletto heels. This is also how she would dress for duties in the Fiulton county courthouse. Like it or not, Nancy is HOTT! With Nancy, it's all attitude.

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

fiona apple with long brown/red hair and a young martha quin the v.j. with christina aguilera watching and partially joining in.also somebody else but i cant remember.

 
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