Thursday, March 17, 2005

Wasting Time (with Style)

Chances are you might have already happened upon this, but just in case ... Better living through chemistry (not to mention the need for affordable pharmaceuticals) is lampooned sharply in this cartoon for "The Drugs I Need," with music courtesy the Austin Lounge Lizards. (thanks to JibJab)

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Here's another Web site I only recently stumbled upon (thanks to the Incurable Insomniac). You no longer need to breathlessly await packages in the mail, thanks to the high-tech wizardry of Virtual Bubblewrap.

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Need to waste even more time? Try this.

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Remember way back during the 1988 Democratic convention when Rob Lowe got in so much hot water for engaging in a threeway sexcapade on videotape? The uproar over it seems almost quaint in retrospect, emblematic of a horse-and-buggy time filled with potato-sack races and barbershop quartets. Heck, the Lowe video must have been sepia-toned, for God's sake.

Nowadays, of course, you're almost an oddity if you haven't appeared naked in old photos or indulged in a videotaping of the profound act of lovemaking. Where would we be without Pamela and Tommy Lee renewing our faith in that crazy little thing called love? What would our joie de vivre be without Paris Hilton giving it up for the sake of the Information Age? And now we have Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst filing suit over his sex tape having been leaked over the Internet.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the whole concept of sex acts committed to homemade videotape. OK, admittedly, anything short of a treatise on the Dewey decimal system is likely to send my thoughts in that direction.

But we digress. Anyway, here's our pointless survey for today:

Let's say you had to -- absolutely had to -- watch a homemade sex video featuring one of the celebrities noted below. I mean, let's say you had no choice in the matter, something akin to Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.

In you had to pick one per matchup, who would you rather be subjected to watching make love, sweet love?

Tom Arnold or Maury Povich?

Nancy Pelosi or Lynn Cheney?

Jose Canseco or Jason Giambi?

Arlen Specter or Phil Spector?

Catherine Zeta-Jones or Selma Hayek?

Spuds McKenzie or Seabiscuit?

Star Jones or Pia Zadora?

Vin Diesel or the Rock?

Mary-Kate or Ashley?

Jerry Seinfeld or Larry David?

Keira Knightley or Kate Beckinsale?

Mel Gibson or St. Peter?

Minnie Mouse or Minnie Pearl?

Popeye or Yosemite Sam?

Betty or Veronica?

Just curious ...

3 Comments:

At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Catherine Zeta Jones and Selma Hayek? Can that be an option?

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Chase McInerney said...

In a perfect world, perhaps...

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Howard Stern said...

Screw that political crap. Now THIS is a post! Let's get to it:

Cathy vs Selma. Cathy is dee-didilly-icious, but seeing her in the act probably means seeing her with a 90-yr old man.

Mary Kate vs Ashely. I'll take the anorexic. Or was it drugs? You know what I mean... the one with low self-esteem. Well, lower.

Jerry vs Larry. I had an alternative-lifestyle friend who thought Jerry was adorable. That was it. That was the only guy he ever openly swooned for. Well, except for when he would intentionally provoke me during football games with the mandatory "tight end" comments. Personally, I'd go with Larry for the self-loathing dirty talk.

Betty vs Veronica. I can't answer this, because all I can picture is a girl-on-girl orgy with all the cartoon hotties of my youth. Betty Rubble, the Jestons girls (both mom and daughter), Josie and her bandmates, ...

And along those lines... one of my all-time favorites in "Would Ya?": Miss Ellie the druggist vs. B&W era Samantha Stevens.

 

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