Anchors Away

This week we say goodbye to Tom Brokaw, who is hanging up his "NBC Nightly News" TelePrompTer duties after more than 20 years of liquid L's and making a zillion comparisons between political elections and boxing matches. While Brokaw's slight smirk could get a little taxing at times, he was certainly likeable -- and so it's unfortunate that he will be succeeded by Brian Williams, an insufferably smug (even by TV news standards) dandy who might just be the result of an itinerant Peter Jennings spermatozoa crossed with French cufflinks.

Goodbye, Uncle Tom. We will miss you.

Over at the Tiffany network, of course, crazy ol' Dan Rather will be stepping down in March, where he has crowned a venerable TV news career with that whole forged memo business. While the memo scandal is beyond unconscionable -- one supposes CBS producer Mary Mapes also seeks out news leads in Bazooka bubblegum wrappers, truck-stop bathroom walls and Ouija boards -- I don't have the same disdain for Rather that many conservatives do. Teeming with bizarre Man-from-Mars adages and the bug-eyed expression of sudden incontinence, the guy is just too weird for me to dislike. Like that eccentric bachelor uncle who loves zither music and bathes fully clothed, Dan Rather strikes me as an oddly lovable freakshow.

CBS hasn't named a successor as of yet, but top candidates include John Roberts and, according to the rumor mill, Diane Sawyer.

It is with modesty, however, that I would like to cast my own recommendation for CBS' next anchor... and just in time for those hot summer days in New York. Hubba hubba.

In the meantime, I'd like to briefly pay homage to a few of my favorite Ratherisms from presidential election nights of yesteryear ...

"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."

"This race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."

"Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat."

"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."

"Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?"

"We don't know what to do. We don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon."

"This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

"The presidential race still hotter than a Laredo parking lot."

"It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August."

"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."

Yes, crazy ol' Dan has been entertaining, if nothing else. We suspect that Peter Jennings won't be quite so fun, even if he does say "about" (read: a-BOAT) like a friggin' Canook.