Make Love, Not War

Thanks to the Sunshine Project, we have a rare glimpse into the high-stakes world of the Pentagon and its tireless efforts to devise stronger, more advanced weaponry.

Like, say, a chemical bomb to spur widespread humping.

No, we're not making this up. According to documents culled from the U.S. Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, military researchers pushed for development of a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" chemical that would make enemy combatants irresistible to one another and induce "homosexual behavior."

The London Daily Telegraph is particularly intrigued by the documents' revelations surrounding the Yanks' one-time pursuit of a "Who? Me?" bomb that would lower the morale of enemy troops by making them all think that someone among them was farting or had serious halitosis. Again, we are not making this up.

From the Daily Telegraph:

"Since 1945 there had been extensive research into the effectiveness of the 'Who? Me?' bomb, the declassified documents said.

"But it was found 'that people in many areas of the world do not find fecal odor offensive since they smell it on a regular basis.'"

Now some might call this absurd waste of money, but not me. In all honesty, I find the imagination somewhat comforting. In the months following 9-11, you might recall, Pentagon brass invited Hollywood moviemakers and other creative types to brainstorm all the weird and spectacular ways that terrorists might launch another attack. At the time, I was a little chagrined to think that military folks had such little imagination in this regard. Had none of these high-ranking officials sworn to protect and defend our nation from harm a modicum of whimsy? Was "Star Wars" the best we could think of?

But now ... now I feel better and safer. Lady Liberty can rest a bit easier. The terrorists will have a hard time outsmarting us -- not as long as the World's Greatest Superpower has the audacity to dream of whoopee cushions and Mardi Gras.