Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The U.S. Customs Chain Saw Massacre

Question: What do you say to a strange man wielding a homemade sword, a knife, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a chain saw mottled with blood?

Answer: "Welcome to the United States!"

Folks, you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried. In late April, a Canadian named Gregory Despres showed up at the U.S.-Canadian border with the aforementioned items in tow. Dogged customs agents, having spent the day fishing with Andy and Opie over near Mount Pilot, gave him a thorough vetting and let him enter the country.

The following day, law enforcement officials in Despres' New Brunswick hometown discovered that Frederick Fulton, an acquaintance of Despres, had been decapitated. Fulton's wife had been stabbed to death. Police in Massachusetts eventually picked up Despres, who was the chief suspect in the Fulton killings. This time it wasn't a blood-smeared chain saw that made them suspicious, but blood-caked socks.

U.S. Customs spokesman Bill Anthony explained to Associated Press that "being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up. We are governed by laws and regulations, and he did not violate any regulations."

So, no, you can't blame Customs. It's not like the guy was, you know, an A-rab or anything. Man with bloody chain saw? Move along, please. Man with bloody chain saw wearing turban? Piss on his Koran.


Post a Comment

<< Home