Sex Tape Derby, Round 25
OK, so it goes like this: You have to watch a videotape or DVD of white hot lovemaking (or what the kids call sex). If you had to pick the sex stars among the following, whom would they be?
A more exhaustive explanation of this conceit can be gleaned here.
Otherwise, pop some popcorn, get all lurid-like and post your selections in the comments section below. Don't post anywhere else on the page, though -- that would just be gross.
1. Eddie's choice: Elizabeth Taylor or Ava Gardner?
2. Christian Slater or Nicolas Cage?
3. Teeny bopped: Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan?
4. Yabba dabba do who?: Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble?
5. The Swingin' Sexties: Dusty Springfield or Janis Joplin?
6. Usher or Taye Diggs?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 5:05 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Oddly enough, I saw Night of the Iguana just a couple days ago, so I’ll compare Maxine to Maggie the Cat:
Maggie was hot, but Maxine was slutty.
Maggie’s background music would be a heard of No-Neck Monsters singing Happy Birthday. Maxine’s would be the ocean surf.
Maggie would be drenched in the powerful smell of mendacity. Maxine would smell like Coconut Rum Runners.
And since Maggie’s husband wouldn’t exactly be… enthusiastic about the act, we’d better go with Maxine.
No sense choosing Britney, since she’ll probably be “leaking” a tape within the next 18 months, anyway (which should coincide nicely with her appearance on COPS). I guess it goes without saying that a Lindsay tape would need to be Early Lindsay.
Thinking of a Fred tape reminds me of Murhpy’s Gay Honeymooner’s routine:
”Norton, I’m gonna bend over. And when I do, staaaaaaart fuckin!”
I think Mama Cass would have been a more appropriate opponent for Janis. I’d trade a 4-hr girl-on-girl tape of Dusty and Nancy Sinatra for a single snapshot of the Harper Valley PTA hottie.
Taylor because she's a freak
Slater or Cage? Can it be that they are both in the film? Hold on...going with that fantasy for a few minutes...oh, okay. I'm back. Let's go with Cage just because his voice is so damn sexy
I think Spears has made it to STD before, hasn't she? Let's just say Spears, again for the freak factor
Barney has girth (I bet)
Janis because she'd be screaming COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, just TAKE IT!!!
I don't know much about these guys but I'm diggin that picture of Diggs so...him.
Ava Gardner, but only if it's in Vegas.
Nicolas Cage, but only if it's at Bellagio's.
Lindsay Lohan, at the Golden Nugget, yo.
Fred Flinstone, but only if it's inside Danny's Slot Country.
Dusty Springfield, but only if it's at Caesar's Palace
Usher, need I say it? At the Cherokee Casino, Riverside in T-Town, baby.
1. Ava was a goddess hottie in the old timey era and she has the added bonus of not being tied in any way to Michael Jackson -- unless you count the fact that they're both white women.
2. Cage's might be short, kind of a "Spawn in 60 Seconds," but at least there's no chance of a guest appearance by Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid.
3. I'm ashamed to admit it, but what the fuck -- even when she started getting all tubby and white trash, I'd still love to see Spears get speared. But, for the simple fact that I'd rather see Lohan blow Fez than watch Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake pretend to have "soul" with crooked visors, she loses to Lindsay.
4. This is a pretty sneaky way of getting to the real question: Betty or Wilma. And you know what? I go Barney, because you KNOW he got down with Betty and judging by how violent Fred is, I'm betting he threw Wilma a stone-age sympathy shag when she showed up one night with a black eye and tiny elephant stuffed with whatever clothes she could take away in the dark.
5. Janis, but not for the sex. I just wonder what it would look like for someone to snort coke off a dick while heroin suppositories are being shoved up their ass. I could have answered the same thing on a Bob Saget question.
6. Even I would do Taye Diggs. Fuck, I'd even watch myself do Taye Diggs. And with that guy, you don't have to worry that the sex will come second to production values.
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