Thursday, September 22, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 26

Scene: It is a future dystopian society (aren't they all?), and your very survival depends on your hunkering down with a virtual-reality recording of hot-blooded, steamy, damp, take-no-prisoners sex. You must choose among the following whom you'd rather watch knock the proverbial boots.

Post your selections in the comments section below. Click here for a more drawn-out explanation of this intellectual exercise.

1. Jude Law or Cillian Murphy?

2. Ashanti or Shakira

3. Superman or Batman?

4. Shannon Tweed or Shannon Doherty?

5. Political pokers: Bill Maher or Jon Stewart?

6. Heyday-era Mary Tyler Moore or heyday-era Donna Reed?


At 8:49 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

Just to get you off my back early, here are the Pants Picks.

1. While I respect Murphy's acting skills, I respect Jude's tom-catting skills more. I'm not saying Cillian isn't getting his fair share, but you know Law is down on three or four women RIGHT NOW. And at some point, that hot 18-girls-and-Jude orgy tape is going to pop up and so will I. A-thank-yew.

2. Considering how tall Shakira is, wouldn't that be considered midget porn? I'm not down with the tiny love (except for that one time), so I'll go with Ashanti.

3. Hard call. Journalist or billionaire? Or should it be alien or bondage freak? For safety's sake, I'm going Superman. Not that I really want to see Margo Kidder getting super-boned (even though you know he'd have to go super-slow and pull out or risk destroying her with his seed), but I'd like to avoid the off-chance that the tape I get is the Robin initiation video.

(For a truly twisted look at Batman and Robin sex, check out "Brat Pack" by Rick Veitch, who pairs the Midnight Mink with a new partner. It's, uh, gross.)

4. Tweed has done actual porn, which would be more fun to watch than Ol' One-Eye Doherty stopping halfway through, bitching, quitting and then being replaced by Rose McGowan.

5. On looks alone, Stewart. But Maher might have the kink factor working for him. Nah -- I'll stick with Jon.

6. Now THIS is a horse race, Chasey. And the winner by a nose is Mary Tyler Moore. How Van Dyke kept his Dick out of that one on set I will never know. Seriously, she was the gold standard for the golden age of TV. I guess I'd trip every time I walked into the living room if I was thinking about hitting that EVERY GODDAMN SECOND OF THE DAY.

At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Clarence, A.S.2. said...

I can’t believe Pants didn’t do 50000 words on the Hall of Justice battle. Probably because it involved comic books the rest of us actually know. Of course, even with his brevity, he still covered the two issues: Wayne’s toys and Kent’s deadly baby batter.

I don’t care how short Shakira is. I’d watch her file her taxes, as long as she kept shaking those hips.

I don’t know about the gold standard, but MTM did have a scrump-diddily-umptious bod. Unfortunately, she also had a Lucy Ricardo whine-hole, which would likely explode in a never-ending, ear-piercing, sobbing “Oh, Rob” just at the moment of truth. Total buzz kill.
Donna is an intriguing option…. I’d pay money to watch George Bailey ride the Reverse Cowboy while screaming, “Maaarry Christmas, ya ol’ whore!”

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

Believe me, if you want an intricate discussion of a Justice League sex debate, just let me know. Hell, if Chase e-mails me a request for it, I'll write it up and he can post it here.

At 2:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill Maher, Bill Maher, and Bill Maher. No, seriously, just Bill Maher.


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