Sex Tape Derby, Round 37
Put on those smut caps, gang, for another installment of Sex Tape Derby. If you're a good American, you know the drill already: You've got to choose which celeb you'd rather be forced to watch dancing the light fandango (if you were to use the phrase as a euphemism for videotaped sex, that is).
Post your selections in the comments section below. And then thank your lucky stars that we live in a country where we have this sort of freedom.
Old-school TV titillation: Starsky (Paul Michael Glaser) ...
or Hutch (David Soul)?
The White Stripes' Meg White or ...
Freaky Fiona Apple?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 9:41 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1. Glasser. Guys like that have something to prove, so performing for the camera becomes pretty important.
2. Meg. Oh, God, please, hear my prayers and deliver unto us a Meg White sex tape. Will she be screaming loudly? No. Will she be wildly flailing? Probably not.
But oh, I'll bet she can keep a beat. A driving, pounding beat.
With that hair, Glasser is already one gold neck chain and disco backbeat away from sex tape stardom.
Fiona has one of the sexiest voices ever but would profit mightily from a couple cheeseburgers. Meg is incredibly hot, and her normally reserved and quiet nature leads me to think she would scream loudly and flail wildly.
1. Glasser would just be trying to check out his own reflection in the azure eyes of his lady. I'd vote for Hutch, who could at least croon "Don't give up on us" while thrusting his fleshy nightstick for a Huggy Bear-variant of sodomy.
2. Meg Meg Meg Meg. I bet she could suck the warlust off a seven-nation army and STILL keep time.
I’d rather DO Meg, but I’d rather WATCH Fiona. Fiona probably considers self-mutilation foreplay. And if we learned anything in college, it’s stay away from naked chicks with straight razors. Would make for some intense porn, though.
On the other hand, Meg and Jack could remake Flowers in the Attic.
1. It's Glaser with one "s," and you know he'd be a fucking hothead in the sack -- just look at the way he drove that 1974 Gran Torino. His road skills made Mannix look like a bun-haired granny from Bethany.
Oh, and fuck David Soul. Anybody who would sing "Don't Give Up On Us, Baby" probably cries during sex and masturbates gloomily to Janis Ian album covers.
2. Fiona needs more than a cheeseburger injection -- she needs foot after foot of hot beef. Yeah, she's too thin, but she is undeniably hot and she's crazy as a rabid mongoose in a room full of starved cobras. My contention is she could fuck the shine off the sun.
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