Cutaways, Take 9

From the Please-God-No Department: Start your engines, guttersnipes! The movie muckwagon is rolling out another remake. This time, Resident Evil director Paul W.S. Anderson is committed to cranking out Deathrace 3000. If you're not familiar with the original Death Race 2000, do yourself a favor and seek it out now before this crap-in-waiting destroys the memories of one of the most enjoyably campy Roger Corman-produced drive-in flicks of the Seventies.

CHUD reports on the ill-conceived remake:

" 'The original was so much about decimating pedestrians that the actual race was almost irrelevant, and I want to restore that,' Anderson said, indicating he'll reduce or eliminate the most amusing aspect of the film. 'Set in 2020, ours is an ultraviolent, no-holds-barred race with heavily armed Escalades, Ferraris and Aston Martins.' Which makes me seriously confused as to why the movie’s not called Deathrace 2020."

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If you've ever harbored what you just knew would be a great idea for a movie, you must read Query Letters I Love. Maintained by a Hollywood executive, this blog catalogs honest-to-God pitches from would-be screenwriters. Try to make sense of this one, for instance: an Iraqi refugee leads a rebel uprising in a fantastic and mysterious world populated by the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis and other dead pop-culture icons of the 20th century. As goofy as that sounds, we suspect it would still be better than any Rob Schneider movie.

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The New York Daily News' Jack Matthews designates the biggest buzz surrounding upcoming movies. Steven Spielberg sure is one busy guy. This summer, he'll have the sure-to-be-a-hit War of the Worlds, and in December will follow that up with Vengeance, a drama about the PLO's massacre of Israeli athletes during the 1972 Munich Olympics. We're more interested in the latter film. By golly, the PLO was considered a terrorist organization once upon a time? Who woulda thunk it?

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Speaking of upcoming movies, here's the latest trailer for Bewitched. To quote a shrink I know: "High hopes, low expectations." I mean, I love Nicole Kidman (although we received successful treatment for it, thank you very much), but I also remember The Stepford Wives.

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And how about the new trailer for Ron Howard's Cinderella Man? Click here.

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The funniest movie lines of all time as seen through the eyes of a smirky laddy mag, Stuff magazine. While we haven't seen the entire list (wouldn't you know, you've gotta actually buy the magazine for all of 'em), my favorite thus far is from 1996's Happy Gilmore (I know, I know ... I'm ashamed, too), in which a nursing home orderly played by Ben Stiller lays down the rules to Grandma Gilmore: “You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You’re in my world now, Grandma.”

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Will the rise of High-Definition TV force a rethinking of celebrity sex symbols? Phillip Swann, the president of OnHDTV, has released a list (we love lists over here!) of the celebs for whom HD-TV is, and is not, very kind.

And who fares best when you can see every pore? According to Swann, it's none other than alleged tennis pro Anna Kournikova.

The worst? Swann says HD-TV Cameron Diaz's "terrible acne" is not well-served by the ultra-clear reception. Ouch.