Sex Tape Derby, Round 2
OK, you know the drill -- and if you don't, click here for it.
Sex tape. Must watch. Who gets the nod?
1. Simon Cowell or Ryan Seacrest ?
2. Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton or King of Queens' Leah Remini ?
3. David Spade or James Spader ?
4. Sarah Jessica Parker or Kim Cattrall ?
5. Pierce Brosnan or Timothy Dalton?
6. Keri Russell or Sarah Michelle Geller?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:03 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Terri Polo must have a pretty hard time
playing Jimmy Smits' wife on The
West Wing. I really feel sorry for her.
Are we talking pre or post surgery Heaton? I'm typically against cosmetic work, but New Debra is awfully tasty. And why is it CBS insists on pairing obese men with hotties?
I guess redheads stick together, but Buffy was easily the hottest. A better fight would have been Buffy against current-day Jenny Garth. Two blondes with pristine skin in a Battle Royale.
1. Cowell. Both of these guys fall into the "masturbating in the mirror" category. While Seacrest would spend the entire time using his free hand to adjust his bedhead, Cowell would offer himself scathing critiques, like "I've seen bigger dicks on Medflies," or "Cease that infernal shrieking, Nancy boy, you sound like Patti LaBelle with her head in a vice."
2. Leah Remini. In the "hottie married to a fat bastard" genre, Remini is second only to Jami Gertz among unbelievable doe-eyed beauties being suffocated in the sack by flabby pork-rind enthusiasts. As for Heaton, I'm waiting for her to bleach her hair and enter the fray as a Fox News commentator. What a waste.
3. Spader. Ever watch "Boston Legal"? Close your eyes, and it's impossible to tell who is talking, Spader or Shatner -- ergo, the narration would be filthy and well modulated. Also, with Spader, there's a better chance that Rhona Mitra would be the other party in the tape. With Spade, it would probably be that fat kid from the Capitol One ads who looks like Dolph Sweet.
4. Cattrall -- she was the only reason to watch "Police Academy" or "Mannequin," and -- Holy Shere Hite -- she wrote a sex book! To me, SJC has always reminded me too much of Ruth Buzzi.
5. Brosnan, but only by default. Dalton would spend the entire time boring his paramour with his lack of emotion, and she'd keep referring to him as George Lazenby.
6. Russell, because she'd be whipping that mane around, plus if anyone has seen "The Upside of Anger," they know she's flexible. She could wrap that dancer's body around you like a pipe cleaner.
Dammit, I meant "SJP," not "SJC." I said "nonfat capuccino," not "decaf," asshole.
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