Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Take 13

Thursday is Sex Tape Derby day. It's in the Constitution -- go look it up. In the meantime, place your picks in the comments section below. To better understand the premise behind this Zen koan masquerading as a tawdry game of salacious caprice, click here.

1. Chicks with Bush: Laura Bush or Condi Rice?

2. Method mayhem: Montgomery Clift or James Dean?

3. "Gilmore Girls' " Alexis Bledel or "Joan of Arcardia's" Amber Tamblyn?

4. Scientology Sex: John Travolta or Tom Cruise?

5. Yabba dabba doo: Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble?

6. Sean Hannity or Alan Colmes?


At 9:38 AM, Blogger Jill Vatican said...

I'm going to need to ponder this some more, but in the meantime...why is the ghost of cap'n crunch watching over betty rubble?

At 1:30 PM, Anonymous The Great Gazoo said...

Gotta take the full Monty, if only because uber wet blanket Shelley Winters’ boating “accident” was one of the most satisfying scenes in cinema history.
When a man is willing to kill a poor, annoying, (pregnant!), ugly duckling just to hook up with a wealthy hottie, he’s clearly willing to give 110% in the sack. No paint-by-numbers tapes for Monty, nosiree. Meanwhile Dean would just slouch in the corner and pout about how the sex “doesn’t mean anything, MAN!”

I’ll admit it – I used to remove my penis once a week and watch Gilmore Girls. In my defense, even without my genitalia I still spent most of the show imagining some steamy mother/daughter action.

The Cruise/Holmes affair has reached the 18th of its 15 mins. I can’t image a tape would interest anyone beyond Oprah’s hysterical audience. “And YOU get a tape! And YOU get a tape! And YOU get a tape!”

Up until a few years ago, Betty would have won easily, but Rosie managed to ruin that.

At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

1. Condo Lisa. If there weren't proof that she had given birth (to one wicked hottie and one FAS baby), there would be little to suggest that LB was built any different below the equator than any Mattel action figure -- sexless a go-go. Condo Lisa's got that awful Letterman gap and a brow that could shame Ice Cube, but she's also got legs that make Middle Eastern envoys throw off their robes and start waxing the Rosetta Stone.

2. Dean. Or, in Chasey subtext, choose between two dead, brooding gay men. But if you assume that Dean was straight, let's see some prime Liz Taylor or Natalie Wood on-top action that makes Dean scream, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!"

3. Bledel but the razor's edge. Bledel is a classic beauty and way way waaaay hotter than Tamblyn, but consider this: I remember this Life magazine photo of her father, Russ Tamblyn of "West Side Story" (I will not reference his co-star in that one) doing a backflip while walking down a Manhattan street. If she inherited any of that flexibility, then imagine her spinning around like a goddamn pinwheel. Punch it in!!!

4. Watching Cruise jumping around on poor little Katie and seeing those enormous meat-tearers gnashing back and forth about "the basic life unit, i.e., that which perceives and generates energy, but is distinct from either the mind or body," sounds about as erotic as watching Ernest and Tovah Borgnine fucking in a vat of baked beans.

I'll take John Travolta and Kelly Preston, since they've probably joined the "Mile High Club" enough times to make Erica Jong consider joining an Orthodox nunnery.

5. Ah, another one of those self-definition questions. I used to think Betty could fuck a Brontosaurus in half, but then I saw a recent commercial for Dove shampoo in which Wilma let her hair down, and it was enough to make your pants explode. They need to do another one with her writhing around on a saber-tooth rug with Fred and Mr. Slate.

6. I'd watch a snuff flick with Sean Hannity.

Let's see Alan Colmes fucking Susan Estrich and listen to the dirty talk: "There are some who say that having such a huge orgasm and with such a bias towards my own pleasure at a time when the economy was sputtering and the budget was out of whack... well, there are some who say that this was a tad irresponsible. Now I'm not one of those dirty, vegan, bra-burning liberals who's going to come out and say something like this while our nation's at war. Nope."


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