The TV Movie Version -- Season Two

Say what you want about the online community -- we might be a repellant group of slobbering antisocials with bad translucent skin and curved spines -- well, except for Wonkette, but we do care. We care a lot. Witness the "Free Katie" movement, in which a not-at-all commercially ravenous group of sweet-natured nurturing types are selling T-shirts, baseball shirts, trucker hats and java mugs to help "a young, gifted, actress held captive by forces we may never understand. Even one summer of captivity is too long for one so bright."

On the site, one can see photos of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV manhandling his prey with his veiny, age-mangled mitts. You see, she's like a little bunny rabbit -- Thumper, really -- being batted around by a shaved, "Dianetics"-quoting bear with stupendously large, glowing Chiclet teeth.

In keeping with this horror, we present "Tom and Katie -- Battlefield Hollywood." Depending on casting and budget, this new TV movie could be shopped to HBO, or sent to Fox or the WB for B-list, and if we don't get solid B-listers, then it goes to E! or VH1. Let's cast!

As Katie Holmes:
a) Shannyn Sossamon from "The Rules of Attraction"
b) Rachel Bilson from "The O.C."
c) Jena Malone from "Saved"
d) Kristin Kreuk from "Smallville"
e) Someone else?

As Tom Cruise:

a) Gary Busey, who has the teeth.
b) Cruise's creepy cousin, William Mapother, from "In the Bedroom" and "Lost."
c) Ben Stiller, who has already had practice.
d) Preening investigative journalist Gerald Posner
e) Someone else?

As Oprah:

a) Viola Davis of "Solaris"
b) S. Epatha Merkerson of "Law & Order"
c) Star Jones of "The Practice"
d) Tracy Morgan
e) Someone else?