Sex Tape Derby, Round 12
The premise here is simple: You've gotta watch the sacred act of love being defiled on videotape (or DVD, if you wanna get all 21st century about it). You must choose between the following pairs. Who would it be? Post your responses in the comments section, or forever hold your piece ... er, peace.
1. Matchbox Twenty's Rob Thomas or Coldplay's Chris Martin?
2. WKRP in Cinci-nookie? Loni Anderson's Jennifer Marlowe or Jan Smithers' Bailey Quarters?
3. XXX, my ass: Vin Diesel or Ice Cube?
4. Mandy Moore or Jessica Simpson?
5. Tapeheads Throw-down: John Cusack or Tim Robbins?
6. It's good to be the Donald: Trump ex Marla Maples or future ex Melania Knauss?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:01 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1) Rob Thomas-he used to be a druggie, so the woman(en) would probably be bigger freaks
2) Baliey-Oh, those glasses. Plus, Loni Anderson often fell victim to horeshoe cleavage
3) Ice Cube-"Put your ass into it" takes on new meaning
4) Mandy Moore on Jessica Simpson?
5) Cusack, although Robbins' "Ian/Ray" reportedly had good stamina
6) Maples. His future ex is probably currently in middle school somewhere so give this derby about 10 years...
If you didn’t have to google to get the name “Jennifer Marlow,” then I am MIGHTY impressed.
Jennifer vs Bailey was billed as the Betty vs Veronica of our middle-school days, but it was never that close. Jen went bra-less in form-fitting dresses, which was good television, but I LOVED Bailey. I LOVED HER, MAN! I believe she had two romances on the show... the Russian guy (“Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”), and of course the Johnny Affair. That Russian Menace had no right to invade our precious, American commodity, but I whole-heartedly approved of Johnny. I was a pre-teen, after all, so Johnny was the height of cool.
But as an STD, this needs to be disqualified. A tape of Bailey would never be available, as she’s still saving herself for me. Her so-called marriage to that prissy hotel manager is just PR.
I suppose a Robbins tape would include Sarandon, and that’s not too shabby. Still, I bet Cusack is getting some quality (and younger) tail. Besides, if Robbins screws like he throws a baseball, then I don’t wanna see that train wreck.
1. Martin on Gwyneth -- I'd have to see it just to see it. And if we're lucky, maybe we'll catch them making baby No. 2, Macintosh.
With Thomas, geez, I know he's getting popular again, but I fucking hated Matchbox Twenty and would fear that he'd break out, mid-coitus, in an acapella version of "3 a.m."
2. Bailey, Bailey, a thousand times Bailey. Her sexy librarian look belied a fierce bedroom kitten while Jennifer likely had, in the words of Patton Oswalt, a "battered, chapped pussy." A bon mot indeed.
3. Cube. "Don't stop, get it get it -- that's real. Don't stop nigga, hit it -- I will." I know I went all Cochell, but it's a quote, you bastards.
4. I'm going with Simpson now for two reasons. A) As the new Daisy Duke, we've got to hope that tape gets out now before she goes all Catherine Bach on us. And B) Mandy did "Chasing Liberty," and while I liked "Saved," I will never forgive her for "Chasing Liberty."
5. Cusack, if for no other reason than he took part in this: http://backinanncoultersasssaddleagain.blogspot.com/
6. Marla is way hot, though I'd think a battle between her and Ivana would be more appropos. And I can't go for Melania, just because she married "You're fired"-era Trump. Late '80s/early '90s sleazy Trump was Trump before Trump was cool. TRUMP!
1. Chris Martin -- this is entirely incongruent. Martin regularly makes the beast with one of the most beautiful women in film, and judging from his general demeanor and artistic outlook, might actually be something of a romantic in real life. Of course, there is also the immense possibility that he also cries whenever his choda gets hard.
Thomas is a shiny, oily disco homunculus who makes Tara Reid look intellectual -- and tall. He looks like the kind of guy who spends most of his free time trying to get free sex out of the strippers at Scores, but gets turned down and ends up going down the street to the Times Square Olive Garden to announce to slightly chubby sorority girls from Louisiana State, "Hey -- I'm the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty. Fuck me!"
2. Bailey. This is one of those defining "Ginger or Mary Ann" questions that tells you everything you need to know about yourself, or just tells what made you masturbate when you were 13. Jennifer Marlow just seemed old to me, with that saddle skin and, as MDC mentioned, that grandmotherly horseshoe cleavage that you could set a highball glass in. Loni Anderson was the ideal person to play Jayne Mansfield in that 1980 TV movie, but as a sex symbol, she seemed a little taxidermied -- like she got a bad set of early-model fake breasts made out of glad bags stuffed with straw and hair.
Bailey was the fantasy of every kid who hated the football team, and secretly believed that the bookish girl who knew all the answers and sat near the front of the class wearing the tight turtleneck and hornrims had the secret, paragymnastic ability to tie your bits in knots for hours.
3. Cube. Diesel would be great if you're into gay porn. With Cube, well... "Tell the fuckin' slut to please hurry up,
and wear that dress that's tight on her butt,
so I can finger-fuck on the way to the bed,
been in so many rooms, she got a dot on her forehead.
Face turnin' red from grabbin' them ankles.
Fuck and get up is how I do them stank-hoes.
You should hear how she sounds with a cock in her,
boots get knocked from here to Czechoslovakia."
4. Mandy, forever and ever. Look a little too close at Jessica, and she starts to look reptilian or mannish -- plus, I'm afraid that any tape would might involve her manager/father jerking off in the corner.
Mandy is, as far as I can tell, genetically engineered for exceptional sex.
5. Cusack. He has Robbins beat on co-stars, beginning with Ione Skye -- she "wants to please you secularly." The list goes on: Beckinsale, Zeta, Natasha Gregson Wagner, Rachel Weisz, Amanda Peet -- twice. In the head-to-head between significant others, I'll take Cusack's Neve Campbell over Robbins' Sarandon, which brings up an interesting point, Chasey -- where's the "Wild Things" face-off?
6. Probably Maples, since it looks like Trump shipped Melania off for a year's worth of cosmetic surgery he got in a bartering deal for product placement in "The Apprentice." She looks like her implants have implants, and her face is starting to sag like Jerry Hall's in Burton's "Batman." She was probably hot before that troglodyte with the Silly String(tm) hair held her hostage in his gilded pimp crib.
1. Chris Martin – those eyes say it all…
2. Loni Anderson then– Loni Anderson now is just plain creepy.
3. Vin Diesel – anyone who acts that badly has great potential in a porno
4. Jessica Simpson – Mandy is much too…um…virginal?
5. Tim Robbins – LOVED him in Shawshank redemption
6. Gee…as for the last pair…I can’t stomach having to watch either of them…sorry.
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