Sex Tape Derby, Round 23
If it's Thursday, it's Sex Tape Derby. You know the drill: Let's say you absolutely, positively must watch a videotape or DVD of two people making sweet, sweet love. And let's say you must pick one among the following pairs to star in the aforementioned sexcapades. Whom would you rather watch get their figurative rocks off? Post your selections in the comments section, eat your vegetables, wash behind the ears and thank your lucky stars.
If you still don't get it, click here for a further explanation of STD.
1. Natalie Portman or Natalie Wood?
2. Clive Owen or Colin Farrell?
3. Carla Gugino or Kristin Davis?
4. Brendan Fraser or Matt Dillon?
5. HB Oh, Oh, Oh: Lauren Ambrose or Jamie-Lynn Discala?
6. Director diddling: Spike Lee or Spike Jonze?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 7:33 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Christ, sensory overload. Portman, Wood, Kristin Davis, and Jamie Lynn all in one derby!
1-Don't ask me to pick
2-Farrell so it's not classy at all
3-Kristin Davis, good girl with a naughty streak
4-Dillon if he wears the mustache from Something about Mary
5-Jamie-Lynn
6-Spike Jonze, I don't want any of Lee's social commentary to ruin the mood
1. Well, Portman gives me wood, so I'll go with her, as long as this tape isn't directed by George Lucas, a demon who saps the talent of those around him.
2. Hmmm. Owen, I guess, just because I think it'll be a snuff film. With a voice over.
3. Much love go Gugina for showing those tits in "Sin City," but it is for that very reason I must choose Davis, who showed nary a nipple on "Sex and the City." And she was the only one on there anybody really WANTED to see nude, too.
4. Fraser, but not for the tape. I think the blooper reel will be worth it, though.
5. Meadow is such a whore. So, uh, Meadow.
6. Jonze, but only if the dirty talking is written by Charlie Kaufman. The last thing anybody needs is "Girl 6 II."
1. Wood - classy
2. Owen – love the square jaw
3. Davis – can’t possibly watch the Spy Kids mom (Gorgino) in a porno
4. Dillon – but not as the idiot he plays on Entourage, as Dally from the Outsiders
5. Ambrose – only because Discala’s whining drives me nuts
6. Lee – because he’s not afraid to give it to THE MAN...
1. This is a hell of a lot like asking, "Which is more impressive -- the Guggenheim or the Guggenheim Bilbao?" Jesus Christ, Chasie.
N. Wood set the standard, N. Portman is the standard-bearer. Natalie Wood is my Marilyn Monroe, Natalie Portman is my... Natalie Portman. "Splendor in the Grass" or "Garden State" -- either way, planting seeds, m' boy. Somehow, I see Portman as being more overtly sexual, meaning she could jedi-fuck you from here to Naboo. It's a Sophie's Choice, but it's Portman.
2. Clive Owen would bone for days and then berate his partner into suicide-level guilt. Colin Farrell would bone for days and make his partner feel remorse a few days later, when she's combing for crabs and getting antibiotic shots to clear up the Chlamydia.
But, Farrell has supposedly done a triple lindy into the juices of Demi Moore, Britney Spears, Naomi Campbell, Angelina Jolie and millionaire fellatrix Paris Hilton -- never mind Nicole Narain, the softcore writher with whom he's embroiled in an actual Derby dispute. Clearly, Farrell wins by sheer volume, general quality and the chances that, given his voracious tendencies, there are enough tapes out there to fill Blockbusters from here to Kuala Lumpur.
3. This probably would not be an issue if Gugino had never done that fucking heart-exploding nude scene in "Sin City." Her body was the best visual effect in the whole film -- she was even hotter than Jaime King or -- gasp! -- Alba.
But, here's the thing. Men love Kristin Davis because she is both beautiful and really, really, really cute -- a careful distinction. Also, Pants clearly does not remember her S&TC scene in which she wore a transparent negligee, nor the one when she had a nipple slip. I saw them, I catalogued them, I committed them to mammary memory and the DVDs are in the cabinet.
4. Despite the fact that there is probably a 22-year-old Betamax tape floating around of Dillon getting face-deep in Diane Lane, Fraser has more capacity for sheer wackiness. Anyone who has a movie titled "Monkeybone" on his resume is an instant winner.
5. Ambrose. Jamie-Lynn is way, way too much of a self-styled skanktress -- she's just a few years away from miserable, wrinkly fucking in direct-to-Cinemax erotic thrillers with Eric Roberts and Leo Rossi. Together.
I waited five miserable seasons for one simple nude scene from Lauren Ambrose, and it never happened. We were teased by the Mena Suvari story arc, but left wanting. But, just looking at lips that could pleasure the Graf Zeppelin was almost enough.
6. Lee would sit on the sidelines and complain about the ball handling. Jonze would come up with a crazy sex dance, let Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs see his "O" face, and then praise her like he should.
1. This is a hell of a lot like asking, "Which is more impressive -- the Guggenheim or the Guggenheim Bilbao?" Jesus Christ, Chasie.
N. Wood set the standard, N. Portman is the standard-bearer. Natalie Wood is my Marilyn Monroe, Natalie Portman is my... Natalie Portman. "Splendor in the Grass" or "Garden State" -- either way, planting seeds, m' boy. Somehow, I see Portman as being more overtly sexual, meaning she could jedi-fuck you from here to Naboo. It's a Sophie's Choice, but it's Portman.
2. Clive Owen would bone for days and then berate his partner into suicide-level guilt. Colin Farrell would bone for days and make his partner feel remorse a few days later, when she's combing for crabs and getting antibiotic shots to clear up the Chlamydia.
But, Farrell has supposedly done a triple lindy into the juices of Demi Moore, Britney Spears, Naomi Campbell, Angelina Jolie and millionaire fellatrix Paris Hilton -- never mind Nicole Narain, the softcore writher with whom he's embroiled in an actual Derby dispute. Clearly, Farrell wins by sheer volume, general quality and the chances that, given his voracious tendencies, there are enough tapes out there to fill Blockbusters from here to Kuala Lumpur.
3. This probably would not be an issue if Gugino had never done that fucking heart-exploding nude scene in "Sin City." Her body was the best visual effect in the whole film -- she was even hotter than Jaime King or -- gasp! -- Alba.
But, here's the thing. Men love Kristin Davis because she is both beautiful and really, really, really cute -- a careful distinction. Also, Pants clearly does not remember her S&TC scene in which she wore a transparent negligee, nor the one when she had a nipple slip. I saw them, I catalogued them, I committed them to mammary memory and the DVDs are in the cabinet.
4. Despite the fact that there is probably a 22-year-old Betamax tape floating around of Dillon getting face-deep in Diane Lane, Fraser has more capacity for sheer wackiness. Anyone who has a movie titled "Monkeybone" on his resume is an instant winner.
5. Ambrose. Jamie-Lynn is way, way too much of a self-styled skanktress -- she's just a few years away from miserable, wrinkly fucking in direct-to-Cinemax erotic thrillers with Eric Roberts and Leo Rossi. Together.
I waited five miserable seasons for one simple nude scene from Lauren Ambrose, and it never happened. We were teased by the Mena Suvari story arc, but left wanting. But, just looking at lips that could pleasure the Graf Zeppelin was almost enough.
6. Lee would sit on the sidelines and complain about the ball handling. Jonze would come up with a crazy sex dance, let Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs see his "O" face, and then praise her like he should.
1 - Portman - because of "Closer."
2 - Clive Owen - because of "Closer."
3 - Carla Gugino - because of the surname, and those lips and ...
4 - Matt Dillon - because I'd know what to expect after watching "Wild Things."
5 - Jamie Lynn, Jamie, Lynn, Jamie Lynn - until I went blind.
6 - Spike Lee - so I could watch him shout robotic lines of dialogue during the act.
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OH DAMN!!
Kristin Davis Sex Tape leaked:
http://video.cnn08.com?v=Kristin_Davis_Sex_Video
Kristin has a dirty mouth!
.
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Can you publish link to me on your blog? Thanks.
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