Sex Tape Derby, Round 26
Thursday is Sex Tape Derby, but then again, you probably already know that. Or maybe not. After all, I don't really know what you know or don't know; hell, come to think of it, what an absurdly presumptuous statement I just made.
So scratch that. Let's start over.
OK, here's the deal: Let's say you absolutely must watch two people get their freak on, and let's say you must choose who -- among the following -- you would rather see get their freak on. Have at it, hoss. Post your selections in the comments section below.
For more of an explanation of Sex Tape Derby, click here.
1. Why don't they do it in the road?: John Lennon or Paul McCartney?
2. Eva Longoria or Michelle Rodriguez?
3. Laying cable ... er, news: FOX's Shepard Smith or CNN's Anderson Cooper?
4. Selma Blair or Michelle Williams?
5. Ryan Reynolds or Jared Leto?
6. News babe showdown: MSNBC's Monica Novotny or Natalie Morales?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:03 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1. John Lennon or Paul McCartney?
If picking John meant seeing Yoko naked, I would have to go with Paul.. even if he is dead.
2. Eva Longoria or Michelle Rodriguez?
Eva Eva Eva!
3. Laying cable ... er, news: FOX's Shepard Smith or CNN's Anderson Cooper? Hey Chase, I'll watch a Beatle having sex.. but this one is sick! OK, Cooper.
4. Selma Blair or Michelle Williams?
Because she was so good in Dick, Michelle
5. Ryan Reynolds or Jared Leto?
I must admit, Chase, you win on the pop culture scale, I have no idea who these two are.
6. News babe showdown: MSNBC's Monica Novotny or Natalie Morales?
MSNBC ratings need all the help they can get. As long as Tucker isn't involved, gimmee Monica.
1. John Lennon or Paul McCartney?
I'll take Mr. Lennon for artistic reasons.
2. Eva Longoria or Michelle Rodriguez?
Michelle Rodriguez definitely. . .rowr.
3. Laying cable ... er, news: FOX's Shepard Smith or CNN's Anderson Cooper?
I would take Shepard only if he did not talk.
4. Selma Blair or Michelle Williams?
Hmmmm. . .gonna go with Michelle Williams, if only for her sapphic turn in If These Walls Could Talk 2.
5. Ryan Reynolds or Jared Leto?
Jared Leto sans the eye makeup he wears now.
6. News babe showdown: MSNBC's Monica Novotny or Natalie Morales?
Definitely Natalie Morales.
Paul wins with me every time.
Eva because I don't know who Michelle is and Eva is very sex tapey.
Anderson Cooper is a cutie, so him.
Selma because there are not nearly enough porno stars named Selma.
I have never heard of Ryan or Jared. They are both easy to look at though so Ryan. No Jared. No Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.
Natalie wins this one.
1. Well, I'll take this one from where they are currently. A necro tape of Yoko howling over John's torpid corpse or Paul McSellout taint-deep in that one-legged hottie of his. In this fetish showdown, you gotta go with the gimp. Paul, by a half leg.
2. I challenge you to put up someone next to Eva Longoria that would beat her. Seriously, I like the Michelle Rodriguez as much as the next heterosexual man, but Eva wins over everybody all the time forever always (for now).
3. Cooper, obviously. Not that either of them would be fun to watch, but at least with Anderson, you don't have to worry about a Faux News G-Alert: Sheperd nearing orgasm.
4. I've been a Selma fan since she did that TV show on the WB where her name was Zoe. But she's eminently bonable and reminds me of real porn star Stephanie Swift. Blair, in the buff, with the candlestick, in the study, between her legs.
5. I'd rather laugh than yawn, so we go Reynolds, who is legitimately funny. Leto's only draw is if he was getting a pity fuck thrown at him by Claire Danes.
6. Morales in a landslide. Or a hurricane. An impeachment. You name the 24-hour news cycle story, and I'll watch a tape of the sound guy, under her desk, giving her the spicy tuna handroll while she gasps her way through a segue between a new Iraqi deathtoll and Brittany Spear's new baby.
1. For John, whatever gets you through the night is alright, but Paul would want to do it in the road. Every time this subject comes up, the whole artistic integrity debate gets thrown into the mix, but artistic integrity does not necessarily equate with fuck beastery. Look what artistic integrity got John -- an unpleasant, foul, howling banshee with pendulous breasts, knock-knees and a bush you could subdivide and sell off for housing development. At least before Paul met Linda, there was Jane Asher, and after Linda there's Heather, who's rather dishy and besides, can you imagine the positions?
2. Early on in the first season of "Desperate Housewives," there is a scene in which Eva Longoria climbs onto her bed wearing a pink bra and panties. The DVD is worth that alone -- she is the 2005 "It Girl" -- the personification of hot, sweaty, sultry-voiced, full-lipped, tight-bodied olympic fucking.
In the penultimate episode of season one of "Lost," Rodriguez shows up in a flashback scene and eye-shtupps Jack for about 10 minutes in an airport. She'll be back for Season Two, and I'm hold out for steamy, wet, sapphic bonding between Michelle and Evangeline Lilly, but I'd almost rather watch Eva read a technical manual on thermal dynamics.
3. Shepard Smith: "I look for those moments that are "gee whiz" moments. There's some "gee whiz" stories in our show, and they can't be written like A-1 in the Times. They have to be written more like Page 6 in the Post." You know what that means? Shepard Smith would be done in about 30 seconds and then toss (off) to Neil Cavuto.
I'm not fond of Anderson Cooper's Gloria Vanderbilt genes, but more women would walk up to Anderson and stick their thongs in his mouth than virtually any other currently working newsman. And if we could get some B-roll of Anderson mounting Erica Hill on the news desk, that would definitely be worthy of team coverage. Plus, he really showed what he was made of when he was giving it to Mary Landrieu.
4. Michelle Williams proved she could wrap her tongue like a pro during that lollipop-licking scene with Kirsten Dunst in "Dick." Plus, she has a luxuriously voluptuous body -- the kind you'd like to vacation in. While Selma Blair has an amazing face and fucktastically dirty mouth, she has a body like a car radio antenna.
5. I did a laughing spit-take when Raoul took out Junior in "Panic Room," so no great love for Jordan Catalano, even if he tasted the sweet loins of Claire. Reynolds is funny for such a buff muscle-oiler, and if he could make Jessica Biel laugh her low-rise panties off in "Blade: Trinity," then we could see some serious driving of the stake.
6. Monica is hot and demonstrably smart, and her parrying with Keith Olbermann on "Countdown" only makes her hotter, though that photo hardly does her justice, Chasey. Morales is decidedly saucy, but in terms of MSNBC sex bombs, I'd take the Arubalicious Michelle Kosinski over her any day.
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