Thursday, January 19, 2006

Excuses, Excuses

In an audiotape released to Al-Jazeera (apparently the Bob Saget of the fundamentalist Islamic world), a voice purportedly that of Osama bin Laden offers excuses for why Al Qaeda has not carried out any post-9/11 attacks on U.S. soil.

"The delay in similar operations happening in America has not been because of failure to break through your security measures," AP reports bin Laden as saying. "But the operations are happening in Baghdad and you will see them here at home the minute they are through (with preparations), with God's permission."

Why am I reminded a bit of Jon Lovitz's pathological liar from "SNL," Tommy Flanagan?

"Uhh, yeah, we just haven't brought you to your knees 'cause we've been busy, see? Real busy, like distracted busy. Busy on something else. .... Yeah, that's the ticket...."

Of course, the thing about madmen is that they never know when to shut up. Osama goes on:

"But what triggered my desire to talk to you is the continuous deliberate misinformation given by your President Bush, when it comes to polls made in your home country which reveal that the majority of your people are willing to withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq.

"We know that the majority of your people want this war to end and opinion polls show the Americans don't want to fight the Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their (U.S.) land.

"But Bush does not want this and claims that it's better to fight his enemies on their land rather than on American land.

"Bush tried to ignore the polls that demanded that he end the war in Iraq.

"We are getting increasingly stronger while your situation is getting from bad to worse."

Granted, deciphering Al Qaeda statements is not my specialty (that, for those who want to know, is playing "Smoke on the Water" on a Jew's harp while balancing a live chicken between my knees), but I am struck by what bin Laden is trying to accomplish here. You couldn't come up with rhetoric more apt to rile Americans and boost Dumbya's sagging poll numbers. After all, the Iraq War is unpopular, but we don't exactly like that being pointed out by notorious terrorists who read Zogby data.

If bin Laden isn't purposely trying to fan anti-Al Qaeda sentiment here, he should think about outsourcing his public relations needs.

It seems that bin Laden's comments boil down to this: 1) Just 'cause you haven't heard from us doesn't mean we're not still scary; and 2) Let's talk. If that doesn't sound like a terrorist organization on the ropes, I don't know what does.


At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Dr. Pants said...

YOU'RE the Deep Purple Hassidic Chicken Fucker? How did I not know?

I'm at the stall across the way, molesting pigs while beating out Atomic Dog on the congas with my balls! Look, I'm waving?


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