Sex Tape Derby, Round 36
With the advent of parenthood, I have decided to dispense with a few trifles of my past. Sleep is one of them. Another is the longer version of Sex Tape Derby, CTTC's now-and-then would'ya survey in which you, the reader, are asked to choose which of the following celebrities you would rather watch perform the sacred act of lovemaking (should you be forced to watch such abject sin and temptation) on DVD or (for the technologically imparied) videotape.
Despite my best efforts to draw out the perv in us all, STD (an unfortunate acronym, I grant you) ultimately became a sort of contest of lewdness involving a handful of devoted readers: Dr. Pants, Brick Fuckwahl, Buck Nekkid, MDC, Larry Mondello and the occasional frilly utterings of Jill Vatican.
In the new and shorter version of Sex Tape Derby, we here will routinely offer you some limited choices. As always, post your selections in the comments section below. And remember: The NSA is monitoring this, so please refrain from expounding upon any masturbatory fantasy that doesn't ultimately involve a rocket's red glare and -- if you suffer from erectile dysfunction -- bombs bursting in air.
And so ...
Singer Anna Nalick or
Singer Rachael Yamagata?
The beast with two Brokebacks: Heath Ledger or
Jake Gyllenhaal?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 6:48 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Normalcy returns to Thursdays. And there was much rejoicing.
Actually, STD seems like a pretty appropriate acronym, considering most of the contestants (and admittedly, most of the voters).
And rubber hats off to the visual aide enhancement.
One the downside, the abbreviated version handicaps the pop culture-impaired… as it was, I typically only recognized a few names. This week is no exception. I know Ledger made the jousting flick with the Queen soundtrack, but that’s it. I will say that if that pose is any indication, then playing a gay cowboy wasn’t much of a reach for Gyllenhaal.
I couldn't tell the difference between these two girls with a knife to my throat, much less what kind of sex tape they'd make. As in any case where I can't make up my mind rationally, I'll just take the salad. Blue cheese dressing, thank you.
As for the Pirates of Penz-ass down there, it's a real dilemma. On the one hand, it's obvious that ledger would pull in a higher class of skank, but Gyllenhaal was giving Mary Jane Watson the high, hard one.
OK, not that hard a decision after all, as Jake wins by virtue of doing a comic book character.
And, yes, we're all happy to return to the sort of normalcy where we talk about famous people doing "it."
I must say, I like the new format Chase!
As for these two girls…since I don’t know either one of them, I’ll go with Anna since she’s the one who looks like she’s had a bath.
Heath and Jake. Hmm. I’m not sure, but I heard there is currently a sex tape in theatres starring none other than Heath AND Jake. So, what’s to decide? I just need to run right out and watch that flick and this whole thing will be a non-issue.
1. Oh, come on, Jill. Yamagata's had a bath -- a tongue bath from about 50 hippies at Bonnaroo. It's that sultry, not-so scrubbed thing; that disheveled, freshly fucked thing.
But Anna is what Lindsay Lohan would look like if she stopped snorting crank off Kate Moss' nipples. A little bit Lohan, a little bit Krista Miller from "Scrubs"/"Drew Carey Show," and thoroughly finger-licking hawt.
2. Ledger, mainly because he gets to bang Michelle Williams' gong. She's been a creamsicle-smooth fantasy ever since that lollipop scene in "Dick."
Don't know Yamagata, but she appears to have not been able to make up her mind between 3 or more different outfits, & thus decided to wear a little bit of all of them.
I can speak to Anna Nalick however. Had close to front row seats to one of her shows. Very lovely and not waifish at all! I need something to cushion my jackhammer.
CC: to Brick fuchwahl. Please never reference goddess Krista Miller and dryed up Lindsay Lohag in the same sentence ever again.
For the men Gyllenhaal is the easy choice. Any man who is frankly much more attractive than his sister (even to straight men) wins this contest.
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