The Shame of Stern

I have a problem.

As a Sirius subscriber, I have found myself suddenly addicted to Howard Stern.












As an ostensible grownup, I know this addiction is, well, indefensible. The Stern show is misogynous in the way that Charles Manson is ill-mannered. It is beyond tasteless. It gives new shades to the so-called coarsening of culture. And I am unequivocally hooked.

I'm new to this Stern-on-radio thing. Living in Oklahoma -- a state where irreverence typically means an extra helping of green vegetables -- there have been no no radio stations willing to give airtime to the self-proclaimed King of All Media. Sure, I'd seen his TV talk show appearances and his program on E!, but the actual radio experience had long been unavailable to me.

Once upon a time, back in the day when I was at college on the West Coast, I had a roommate from Raritan, New Jersey, who was a diehard Stern fanatic. The roommate, Carlo, would repeat verbatim his favorite Howard bits, interspersing his commentary with Italian obscenities, his left eye squinted shut like a perverted Popeye as he would relate: "Then he, then he says to them Bangles, to that fuckin' fine one, Susannah hooziwhatsit ... 'Hey, you Bangles, you like to get spanked?'" Carlo would then let out an ear-splitting hoot, his head reared back and tears streaming down his cheeks in an orgasm of hilarity.

Something must be lost in the translation, I figured. It all sounded pretty moronic to me.

But you know what? As it turned out, there was something lost in the translation and it was as moronic as I had guessed.

God help me, I think I understand now. This morning I listened to the Stern show as two women on air demonstrated the effectiveness of an electronic sex toy that replicated oral sex on them. No, no, no, no, no, I told myself. This is wrong. I've got a wife, a daughter. I am way too old to be listening to this cultural cesspool.

And I told myself that over and over as I listened all the way to work.

And no doubt I'll listen to it on my commute home, too.

Dear God, help me.