Deuce Bigalow, Male Crybaby

We're catching up a bit late on this, but we can't resist weighing in on what an insecure, snotty ... umm, what's the word we're searching for? ... oh, yeah: asshole Rob Schneider is.

Defamer provides a snippet of an article by Los Angeles Times writer Patrick Goldstein that took a swipe (and hardly the first) at Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo, in which Goldstein snarkily observed that film was overlooked at Oscar time when it came out several years ago "because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Ouch. But Schneider, who has built a serviceable career from a long-ago Saturday Night Live character apparently will not abide such mockery. Taking out a full-page get-those-claws-out-ladies Variety ad, Schneider let the hack writer know the what's what:

"Well Mr. Goldstein, as far as your snide comments about me and my film not being nominated for an Academy Award, I decided to do some research to find what awards you have won.

"I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind, Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees. I though, surely, there must be an omission. I typed in the name Patrick Goldstein and again, zippo -- nada. No Pulitzer Prizes or nominations for a 'Mr. Patrick Goldstein.' There was, however, a nomination for an Amy Goldstein. I contacted Ms. Goldstein in Rhode Island, she assured me she was not an alias of yours and in fact like most of the World had no idea of your existence.

"Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page. Surely there must be a larger talent pool for the LA Times to draw from. Perhaps, someone who has at least won a 'Cable Ace Award.'

"Maybe, Mr. Goldstein, you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for 'Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter, Who's Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers!'"

Perhaps in the end, Schneider's rant reveals not only a sadly fragile movie star ego, but the limits of Internet-based research. After all, Defamer culled this from a February, 2004, Variety article:

"Press awards went to Patrick Goldstein of the L.A. Times [emphasis ours] and Italian journalist Alessandra Venezia; Disney studio toppertopper Dick Cook received the motion picture showmanship award from Julie Andrews, and former Fox TV Entertainment Group head Sandy Grushow received the TV showmanship award from Kiefer Sutherland."

Whoops.