Sex Tape Derby, Round 5
As if you didn't know how to play (as if!), check here. Otherwise, post your responses in the comments section below.
1. Jodie Foster or Tatum O'Neal?
2. Tom Brokaw or Dan Rather?
3. Charlie's Angels-era Jaclyn Smith or Angels-era Farrah Fawcett?
4. Sean Hannity or Matt Lauer?
5. Ex-Seinfeld squeeze Shoshanna Lonstein or ex-Scott Peterson mistress Amber Frey?
6. The Simpsons' Smithers or Bikini Bottom's SpongeBob SquarePants?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 1:18 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1. Jodie Foster. Smart, even when speaking in Pootie Tang-vernacular in "Nell." Plus, in that very, very little slice of cinematic heaven, you get to see her in the altogether -- at least twice! Lithe and saucy. Both played nasty teens very well, but Tatum would just whine a lot, jones for her heroin, and when you denied her the junk, she'd probably throw a tennis racket and yell, "You cannot be serious!"
2. Rather. Brokaw would only want to get wicked with members of the Greatest Generation, who happened to be the Worst Generation when it came to fucking -- way too reserved, unless you think of Barbara Billingsley as a luscious sex minx. Rather, rather, would be the euphemism king, spouting lines like, "You're pussy is wetter than Manila Bay during monsoon season," or "I'm harder than Szechuan calculus on the final answer of the SATs in Beijing."
3. Jaclyn Smith. Absolutely the hottest of the Angels, then and now -- I do not give a rat's ass how many nipple posters that blow-dried lunatic sold. Without the hair, Farrah Fawcett would look like Matt Frewer of "Max Headroom" fame, and these days, her face has been twisted into a cautionary tale, warning aging beauty queens away from treating their post-cosmetic surgery blues with high doses of methamphetamine.
4. Lauer. Hannity would be great women have some kind of uncontrollable Lou Costello fetish and love being shouted at and lied to constantly. Lauer, as far as anyone knows, has had the good sense to reject the advances of that menopausal sex freak, Katie Couric, who seems so ravenous, she'd probably mount Gene Shalit.
5. Shoshanna Lonstein -- They should call him Jerry Lee Seinfeld for that expert bit of cradle-robbing. Impeccable. Amber Frey just seems like someone you could find during any happy hour at any Henry Hudson's, getting bombed on well drinks and Natural Light.
6. SpongeBob Squarepants is definitely spongeworthy and open to all manner of water sports. Smithers seems like he would be over fastidious and possibly into dominance and submission. Ew.
Tatum - just because she's hotter.
Brokaw - just because he's less ugly.
Jaclyn - just because I like the "smart one" in any female crimefighting unit.
Lauer - on the basis that he's likely to have had sex. I guess Hannity might have grabbed a piece once or twice, but only with women who looked and sounded a lot like Ronald Reagan.
Shoshanna - she's sho much hotter. Amber looks like she's had cosmetic surgery performed by Beetlejuice.
Hmmmm - always a tough one. Though a recent Simpsons episode showed Smithers wasn't gay...as long as he gave himself a shot every 10 minutes. Ah, hell, go with the Sponge.
Jodie vs Tatum is a dog fight, er, cat fight. Tough to say 'no' to an underaged hooker, but then it's also tough to turn down an underaged tomboy. Aw hell, it's just tough to turn down anything underaged. Guess that's why I'm surfing from Cell Block D.
Jackie is a charter member of the Dermatologist's Hall of Fame.
Our buddy Beau is right... Lauer should be commended for keeping that leprechaun off his lap.
"'One Night in Couric'? They shoulda called it, 'One Night in OSCAR!'"
I wonder if Jerry settled for Lonstein because Sarah Silverman was taken.
With the FDA's recent ruling, sponges are having the Best Week Ever!
Tatum, if only because I think she has fewer inhibitions than Foster.
Rather, again, because of the similes: “You’ve got me hotter than an El Paso parking lot at high noon” or “Beat me like a rented mule.”
Jaclyn. Just because.
Hannity, if only to see a right-wing ideologue discredited, like Rush with the prescription pain killers. Oh, wait…
Shoshanna is hotter, but Amber wins if only for her amateur-night appeal.
This may not be an either-or. Rumor has it the two have filed in Massachusetts for domestic partner benefits.
1. Jodie Foster, for all the reasons stated here. Besides, I don't want to give Tatum another reason to write a tell-all book. As an aside, does anyone else think that jennifer gray, post-nose job, now resembles tatum?
2. Tom Brokaw because Dan Rather would cough too much (he is the one with lung cancer, no?). It's not easy keeping the talking heads straight. Worthless.
3. Farrah Fawcett because I'd like to see if that blowed, curled and sprayed feathering actually could move during a romp.
4. Sean Hannity, because I'd leak the tape to the press...and everyone would be flabbergasted by Hannity's love of butt plugs.
5. Shoshanna, because there are already too many porn movies featuring ugly women named Amber.
6. Smithers, but only if it's with Krusty
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