Thursday, April 14, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 4

You know the drill. You know you do ...

1. Michael Bolton or John Bolton?

2. Lauren Graham or Constance Marie?

3. Mr. Garrison (and Mr. Hand) or Chef?

4. Brooke Shields or 1980s-era Phoebe Cates?

5. Luke Wilson or Matthew McConaughey?

6. Bess Truman or Mamie Eisenhower?


At 3:53 PM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. John Bolton, because discrediting him might get him out of the U.N. Discredit Michael Bolton and he'll just go on tour with the remaining half of Milli Vanilli.

2. Graham, especially if it was from her guest stint on Newsradio.

3. I'm down with the swirl. Let's go Chef.

4. Is there a competition here? Cates, hands my lap.

5. They don't call him "One Take" Wilson for nothing.

6. Truman. Wheelchair. Kinky.

At 7:11 PM, Anonymous R.M. Nixon said...

Is it possible to get music on these blogs? Sex Tape Derby deserves a theme song. Maybe something from Fountains of Wayne? I mean, hey, if they're willing to do Crank Yankers...

Lauren in a landslide, becuase odds are the hottie daughter won't be far away. Besides, I've always wanted to hear dirty talk at 200mph.

Chef. Just because I want to learn some moves from the master.

In the immortal words of George: "I'd like to data a giant." Gimme Brooke.

Luke. Anytime McConaughey is in a contest, you gotta go with the other choice. Why? Because that F#$@er is an VERY vocal longhorn fan.

Mamie always struck me as bossy. I bet Bess would be more... submissive.

At 7:53 PM, Anonymous claretoothloose said...

I would say no to McConaguhey, mostly
because he's too tan and that makes me nervous.

Also, is there some reason that you deleted my blog from your blogroll?

Thanks for your help in this matter! :)

At 10:20 PM, Blogger Brit said...

Two words. Naked. Bongos.

At 10:20 PM, Blogger Brit said...

Two words. Naked. Bongos.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger LilRed said...

I don't know who John Bolton is. But if I have to pick between Michael Bolton and someone else, I'm always gonna pick someone else. So John Bolton it is.

Lauren Graham is hot. I like her.

Puppets scare the hell out of me. I'm taking Chef.

Phoebe Cates. She's not afraid to display her rack.

Luke. Every time, Luke.

Oh good Lord. I'll toss a coin. Heads? OK. Bess.

At 11:32 PM, Blogger Ceres said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and pick Michael Bolton for the lovely music afterwards.

Lauren Graham. I haven't heard of Constance Marie.

I agree with Lilred, no puppet sex.

I have seen Phoebe Cates recently, she is hot in every era.

Mr. Wilson please. Matthew is terribly over-exposed.

Bess I guess.

At 1:45 PM, Blogger amagar said...

1. John Bolton, just to see what's really under that stache. hair lip? no teeth? small, fourth-world country?

2. not a clue

3. mr. hand...come on now, who wouldn't want to see a puppet be master of someone else's domain?

4. Cates, just to quell all 30-something men's babble about the swimming-pool scene. It would be great if she put on a Long John Silver's outfit, too.

5. Either would be gay porn. Not my style, even though fine for others.

7. Eisenhower. It even sounds dirty.

At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Horace Scapella said...

1. Not Michael Bolton -- he's too busy fucking over the Isley Brothers. Besides, he used to have relations with the skankiest of the "Desperate Housewives," Nicolette Sheridan. BTW, when are you going to put them into STD? As for John Bolton, I'm guessing that's not a milk moustache.

2. Lauren Graham, forever and ever. She's a bit of a motormouth, but she's like Natalie Wood without the tragic underpinnings. And, I'd take her over Alexis Bledel any day. As for Constance Marie, since when did you start watching "George Lopez," Chase? Geez.

3. Why so many men this time around? At any rate, Chef would know what to do with the Chocolate Salty Balls, while Garrison would only be on deck for Mr. Hand-jobs.

4. Phoebe. In fact, I credit her with creating my entire brown eyes/full lips obsession. Brooke was okay when I was 13, but she hasn't worn well. Phoebe, on the other hand, still looks wicked-hot. Anytime she wants to come out of the pool is a good time, indeed.

5. McConaughey always talks like he's been out in the desert with peyote for a vision quest. Wilson is slightly more coherent and less likely to freak out and think that gila monsters were trying to suckle at him.

6. Dwight described his wife thusly: "a vivacious and attractive girl, smaller than average, saucy in the look about her face and in her whole attitude." Yeahhh. Besides, Bess was a smack-talkin' ho-bag.

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Bertrand Rabscallion, esq. said...

I wholeheartedly applaud Mr. McInerney's splendid list, as well as the pithy comments of Mr. Scapella. However, I offer this corollary to Mr. Scapella's effusive lust for Ms. Graham: while I would also take Ms. Graham over Ms. Bledel, I would take her under Ms. Bledel with consummate enthusiasm.


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