Sex Tape Derby, Round 10
The premise is simple: Let's say you have to watch a pornographic sex tape. Who would you rather it feature? (OK, OK, so I'm not into the big questions of life. Those are still to come, I assure you).
Post your picks in the comments section.
1. As the title of this blog would indicate, let's just cut to the chase with a tough one for all you lascivious cowboys with a weakness for country: Faith Hill or Shania Twain?
2. Jacko in jeopardy: Jacko defense lawyer Tom Mesereau or Jacko prosecutor Tom Sneddon?
3. "Crossing Jordan"'s Jill Hennessy or "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"'s Mariska Hargitay?
4. Just walk away, Renee: Kenny Chesney or the White Stripes' Jack White?
5. Ving Rhames or Michael Clarke Duncan?
6. High school class reunion?: Lisa Kudrow or Mira Sorvino?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 6:59 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Tough one? This may be the most lopsided race yet. Shania wins by 20 leopard-skin dress lengths.
First, she’s the single most attractive person of our generation. There’s no debate. It’s a fact, Jake.
Second, she’s an exhibitionist, which is usually an asset in the world of p*rn.
Third, a tape with Faith would be nothing more than a slow-motion, soft-focus, G-rated puke-fest with McGraw. It would consist of them looking soulfully into each other’s eyes (while tastefully concealed by bed sheets), and arguing about who wuvs who more. And the background music would put you to sleep.
Fourth, we’d finally get to see what Mutt Lange looks like. It would be like the wizard coming out from behind the curtain.
Kudrow is so bland and forgettable that she wouldn’t even rank third on my list of FILFs.
1. As long as they keep their goddamn mouths shut -- either of them is fine. I guess, I'd take Shania, since she didn't snub my alma mater.
2. Easy choice. Mesereau. Not that either of them are anything less than absolutely disgusting, but as celebrity defense, at least Mesereau is going to have the good looking hookers.
3. Mariska. Cop over lawyer, every time. Plus, she had the good sense to jump onto the L&O bandwagon, not off.
4. Jack White, but only because I know there won't be a bass player there.
5. Rhames has a smaller frame, so you'll get to see Vanessa Williams better.
6. Mira Sorvino. I'd vote for her double if she was bumping said ugly with Marisa Tomei for a double shot of untalented Oscar-winning booty.
Tom Mesereau, but only with this image: http://www.cmrylaw.com/tom_bio_sm.jpg
Kenny Chesney all...day...long.
Without a doubt, Va-Va-Va-Ving.
1. Shania. As much as I have tried to hate her and take the Steve Earle stance ("Highest-paid lapdancer in Nashville"), the fact is, she earns her keep -- she is a perfect human specimen, while Faith has been known to take a few bad photos (that linked one nearly showing her hoo-hah notwithstanding).
Now, based on my "actual partners" rule of judgment, Faith almost squeaked out a victory because she's not married to a creepy old tour-shirt-wearing rock shitbag who produced Def Leppard, but Faith is married to an asshole who sings songs that mewl and whine as if they had been written by Mitch Albom ("Live Like You're Dying"? How about, "Live Like a Song Is Causing Massive Anal Bleeding").
Based on perceived ability to bone like a rabid badger, Shania wins, hands-on. Her body was created exclusively for high-class, champagne room raunch. Faith is too much of a goody-goody "True Love Waits" girl to know how to throw her pudenda into hyperspace, and I believe most of Music City knows who can.
2. Mesereau. Methinks Sneddon's idea of a good time is a bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and a night of quietly moaning while watching the "Murder, She Wrote" Season One DVD. Mesereau is the kind of lacquered L.A. scumfuck who wraps up court and immediately high-tails it to Brett Ratner's house, where he does coke off the ass of a 19-year-old dayplayer from "The O.C."
3. Hennessy. Chasey is just obsessed with Hargitah because she showed off nipplage at the Emmys and she sprang from the loins of Jayne Mansfield. Hennessy was even hot when she was buttoned-up and prudish on "L&O," and now she looks like even a casual roll with her could cause massive heart failure. Plus, she is part of a set -- a twin -- and her sister is even slightly hotter than she is.
4. White. Renee and this Chesney homunculus are going to have tiny, squinty, stupid pups, but beyond that, Chesney is the kind of liquored-up jacktaint who couldn't get a semi without Jimmy Buffett parrotshit blasting on the Bose Acoustic Wave, and any sex tape of Chesney would probably look like dwarves spelunking in a gynocological remake of "Fantastic Voyage."
White reputedly smells quite bad, but until Odorama becomes a key component of porn, I think we could deal best with creepy, Flannery O'Connor rump-bumping with his strange, nearly mute ex/sister.
5. Rhames -- hell, he survived the Gimp, right? Besides, his latest costar is Roselyn Sanchez on that cheesebag USA Network remake of "Kojak," so that could be some seriously hot baldy action.
Duncan is just too damn big, and watching him try to have sex with anyone would be like watching someone trying to park a Hummer in a mailbox.
6. Sorvino. Kudrow is too much of a wacky girl, and in this case, funny does not cohabitate with sexy. Sorvino, on the other hand ... I'd drink tea made from her thong.
Shania Twain...she's Canadian and would benefit from all the years watching the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johannsen (sp?). If you haven't seen Sue, check out the Oxygen network. Yah, even you boys would like it. Sex toy of the day. Advice using bendy wood dolls. No subject too taboo. Sue rocks!
Tom Mesereau because Tom Sneddon couldn't find his way of of his own pants, let alone around a courtroom. Moreover, my guess is that his obsession with Jacko --while justified since Jacko is clearly a conniving perv -- would cause dick droopage. I'd rather see Jacko try to get it on with a woman. And then I'd like to see Jacko forever locked in a castle with nothing to read but someone else's sticky copies of Hustler.
3. Mariska Hargitay: Wasn't she in the back seat when mama wrecked, losing her lovely head? Seriously. Hennessy was better on Law and Order. Now, ever since she did the teaser --literally--for her new show...showing her walking toward the camera with her lips open...well, she's a loser now.
4. Jack White, Jack White, Jack White. Kenny Chesney looks like he stumbled out of a gay porn into a barn...village people reject.
5. Pass. And it has nothing to do with color. Both of these actors scare me. I don't like scary porn.
6. Mira Sorvino. After seeing Mighty Aphrodite, in particular. Lisa Kudrow would toss her hair too much, obscuring any view.
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