Sex Tape Derby, Round 11
Happy Thursday and happy Sex Tape Derby. If you're not familiar with this intellectual flight of fancy, consider this: You have big metal clamps keeping your eyes open and you must -- must, I say! -- watch a pornographic video tape. Between the following choices, whom would you choose, providing you had to choose? Post your thoughts in the comments section. Complete misfits can further educate themselves on the conceit of Sex Tape Derby by clicking here.
1. Vintage hotties: Marilyn Monroe or Bettie Page? Be still my gentle heart ...
2. Get yer Watergate freak on: H.R. "Bob" Haldeman or John Erlichman?
3. Maria Sharapova or Danica Patrick?
4. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist or Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum?
5. Angie Everhart or Sienna Miller?
6. "Sopranos" showdown: James Gandolfini's Tony Soprano or Tony Sirico 's Paulie Walnuts?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:01 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
1. Skip both of them and get Ann-Margret...or does vintage mean dead?
2. H.R. Haldeman because of the intitials
3. Danica Patrick-small town midwestern girls can't be beat
4. Santorum-someone as wrong as this guy has got to be harboring some freaky secrets
5. Sienna Miller-just because...
6. Gandofini's Tony-Better "dialogue"
It took you (YOU!) 11 rounds to get to Page? Well, you know my stance - she wasn't hot; just bound and gagged. And S&M tapes never did it for me. In the battle of the XXL thighs, I'll take Norma Jean. Though I never knew her at all.
Chick tennis players tend to grunt during exertion. Screamers are always welcome. On the other hand, when you can combine sex with the possibility of high-speed death - THAT'S quality television.
Thanks to Dan Savage, the thought of a Santorum tape evokes very, very disturbing images.
1. Monroe…Page looks like a blow up doll.
2. John Erlichman…no reason, you said my eyes were clamped open.
3. Danica…she’s fast.
4. Santorum…with another dude, of course!
5. Everhart…never heard of the other one.
6. Tony Soprano…Paulie could star in anti-erotica. (films that make you want to wear turtle necks and ski pants)
1. Bettie, because she's already proven her kinky side. Plus, a Monroe sex tape has a pretty big chance of either having to see Arthur Miller naked or the brothers Kennedy splashing her in homemade clam chow-dah.
2. For that hair, if nothing else, Haldeman.
3. Sharapova's like Kournikova with talent. So, to sum up, athletic, beautiful, Russian, enjoys hitting balls.
4. Ah yes, another two-fer. The tape will feature Bill "fristing" Santorum. This one I want to see just to watch two of the most useless fucks in politics man-love their careers away.
5. I'm going with the underdog here, because with Paulie, you know Tony's going to be in the room anyway.
"Suck it, baby, yeah. Hey, Tone, did you hear that? I said 'Suck it, baby, yeah.'"
1. Monroe. Those were the good old days: Marilyn fucked Arthur Miller, John Kennedy and Joe Dimaggio -- three great American heroes -- which, if you think about it, is much, much classier than, say, Heather Locklear fucking both Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora. Plus, she actually got better looking as she got older, though she did sort of fall off a bit after that overdose at the Chateau Marmont.
Chasey, I don't see Monroe and Page as truly congruent, since Page was strictly pin-up and stroke book material and Monroe was a multimedia nuclear sex tease. Now, Natalie Wood was the absolute polar (hair color) equivalent -- she could act, plus she was unbelievably, soul-crushingly hot (Check "Gypsy" or "Splendor In the Grass"). If it was between two '50s and'60s hot starlets like Monroe or Wood, I've got Wood.
2. Haldeman. In terms of concentrated, heaven-destroying, baby-hating, kitten-drowning evil, you have to hand it to Nixon's chief of staff over his domestic policy advisor. You know that whoever he was doing in prison, it was all hate-fuck, all the time.
Plus, that's a flattop you could put your beer on.
3. I don't consider them tennis grunts so much a breathy, orgasmic moaning. I'll take Danica, though. She looks corruptable, while Sharapova is probably on the downhill slide to joining her fellow Russian countrywomen in the pages of Perfect 10.
4. Santorum... with a dog. He's all about man-on-dog, remember?
5. Sienna. Angie Everhart is strictly direct-to-video, mounting Richard Grieco material, plus she's revealed herself as a complete prostitute by being the Ginger in the second season of TBS' "The Real Gilligan's Island." Sienna, on the other hand, got righteously, perfectly, naked -- stripping down from only a men's dress shirt, no less (!) in that godawful "Alfie" remake, nearly making it worth half the seven bucks.
6. Come on -- all of Soprano's conquests (with the exception of the one-legged caretaker) have been amazing, especially Gloria Trillo (Annabella Sciorra). Paulie doesn't do sex tapes -- he does snuff films.
I cannot get past Tony Soprano. Him, as long as I can star alongside (underneath or on top). As a very latecomer (no pun) to this HBO funfest, I have developed a deep and lustful crush for Tony. This has surprised me...and yet, several of my female friends (ages 30s to 50s) have confided similar feelings. All of this is puzzling, of course, in the age of metrosexuals. Tony is nearly the antithesis...yet we women are drawn to him. Poor men. For decades, women had to deal with the whore v. virgin syndrome. I think you guys are about to walk a similar tightrope....
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