Sex Tape Derby, Round 14
OK, sports fans, here's the premise. Let's say you have no option but to watch a pornographic videotape or DVD. Furthermore, let's say you must choose among the following pairs as to aforementioned entertainment. See how easy it is? Just answer the question, Claire -- and post your responses in the comments section.
Or not. But God help you if you don't.
1. Charlie Manson or Marilyn Manson?
2. Affleck, Aflac, whatever: Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner?
3. Napoleon Bonaparte or character actor Robert Loggia?
4. "All in the Family"-era Sally Struthers or "M*A*S*H"-era Loretta Swit?
5. Christian Bale or Patrick Dempsey?
6. Amber Valletta or Uma Thurman?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:04 AM
13 comments
13 Comments:
1. Charlie Manson. Marilyn Manson kind of creeps me out, plus with Charlie there's always the opportunity to see something you never in a million years thought you'd see. Of course, that could be a bad thing...
2. Garner. Absolutely no question.
3. Probably Napoleon, just for the historical relevance aspect. Loggia is a classic "oh yeah, that guy" guy, but he's no Napoleon.
4. There's too much penis in this test.
5. Uma, but only if she's blonde. She looks weird like this (plus that's a terrible picture, but you know what I mean).
Ah, Thurs morn.
Charlie. Marilyn would just fuck a goat and then drink its sacrificed blood. With Charlie, you get a full-blown, 70’s-era, drug-enhanced, pre-implants, hippie orgy. Followed by the bloodletting.
Plus, Charlie would likely disengage from the wheelbarrow to instruct The Family on the hidden meanings in “Paperback Writer.”
Gloria had a nice ass for about 2 episodes, but anyone who whines that much deserves to gain a few hundred pounds. Not Lear’s greatest character.
Swit was more attractive than Kellerman (not saying much), but K brought a lust to the role that S (or television) couldn’t match.
Bale vs Dempsey? I don’t get the matchup. Did Dempsey play a superhero? How about Bale vs Keaton, Kilmer, and Clooney? Actually, I guess that would be Holmes vs Basinger/Pfeiffer, Kidman, Silverstone. In fact, let’s “cut to the chase”: Pfeiffer vs Kidman. I can’t even begin to dissect that one. In the immortal words of Steve Butabi, “It’s hottie overload.”
I’ve never heard of Valletta, but I’m willing to wager she’s more attractive than Uma, who held the title of “Most Average-Looking Chick Being Touted as Gorgeous” until Drew Barrymore took her crown.
1. I guess I'll go it alone and vote for Paul from "The Wonder Years." Charlie is an actual killer. Marilyn Manson is just a freak who got down with some pretty hot ladies. And I won't lie, until I realized it was him in that Reznor video, I thought Manson was a pretty hot lady himself.
2. A year ago, when I was more interested in her, I'd go with Garner -- but things change. Namely, her show got shitty and she did some movies that, well, took the shine off the apple. Lopez, on the other hand, has been pissing me off for years while remaining superhot. And you just know a tape with her will involve one hand on her mouth and another slapping her ass. Just like Jesus would have done.
3. I was going to go with Loggia, just because he can play really good bad guys and really bad good guys, but I've got to give this one to Napoleon. He was a MASTER STRATEGIST. That shit doesn't stop on a map, you know. He must have bedded some French hotties with a plan he drew up in his basement requiring a lost puppy, a sideways hat and a misbuttoned pair of trousers.
4. Hotpants Hotpants Hotpants. Even if she was taking pipe from Frank, you know she was up for it with anybody. ANYBODY. I'm talking "Radar Love" anybody. And sluts are hot.
5. Bale. Not just because he IS Batman, but because movie tail has got to be better than TV tail. Oh, yeah, and HE'S MOTHERFUCKING BATMAN.
6. I still get hard just thinking about "Kill Bill." Just don't mention "Be Cool" until I'm getting close and need a distraction. Uma wins as long as the action is filmed by, but not co-starring, Tarantino. No amount of hot could undo that sight.
Loretta Swit had a bush you could hide a VCR in.
He made that man his personal hand puppet over those sweet, savage 72 hours.
Quit your crying, Buck Rogers, it's only a Rolex.
It was a diver's watch, son. Then again, I was too busy snorting cocaine off Ali's tits with my one, giant, vampire bat coke nostril to pay any attention.
Was that they time you were getting a BJ and a coked up Brian Dennehy sucker punched you in the solar plexus and you ejaculated your entire nervous system? Because that was my favorite bedtime story.
No, that was the time I had a whirlpool bath installed in my trailer that I filled with apple juice every day. Do you have any idea what Diane Keaton's pussy tastes like when it's been soaking in apple juice all day?
ESPN Football, Packers vs. Cowboys -- Catch it!
Like a pussy soaked in apple juuuuuuuuuuuuuuice.
And I dare anyone to tell me what the hell me and dad here have been talking about all damn day.
OK, boys - you're starting to creep me out.
1. Give credit where credit is due: Charlie got his mitts all over those crazy hot hippie chicks like Linda Kasabian, Leslie Van Houten and Patricia Kornwinkel, and they only got crazier and hotter when they shaved their heads during the trial. The problem is, they all smelled like a cat's ass and had a penchant for plunging knives into unsuspecting rich people. It can be a real turnoff when a blade plunges through your sternum just as she gets to the bottom and goes back to the top of the slide.
But, you still have to go with Marilyn for one reason: Rose MacGowan. A heavy-lidded Goth goddess with alabaster skin writhing around on a coffin in a Joel-Peter Witkin wet dream will beat murderous-but-hot hippies any damn day, and there is an even-to-good chance you might live to tell about it.
2. Lopez is such a colossal disappointment. Few women have ever been as brain-melting hot as she was in Soderbergh's "Out of Sight" -- I have a friend in California who still yanks it to the Detroit Hyatt Regency sex scene, and she didn't even get fully naked. What is sad is she turned into this oily plastic cooze, lost all her talent and started giving it up for a lantern-jawed shitbag who is constantly putting his balls on the back of Kevin Smith's neck. To make matters worse, she is now married to a tiny Latin warbler who looks more and more like Steve Buscemi every single day, and that bullshit telenovela duet at the Grammys was enough to make you plunge your head into molten flan.
Garner, on the other hand, is far more naturally fuckalicious than Lopez could be with a phalanx of trainers and a Brazilian wax specialist on 24-hour duty. She looks like she could wrap tightly around your body like the twin snakes in the American Medical Association emblem.
3. Bonaparte -- the name says it all. He stormed Europe, boning hot, busty serfs in peasant blouses until they fell apart, heaving on matted haystacks and begging to be his and Marie's court strumpets.
Loggia is an orange juice-swilling thug who treated the strippers at the Bada-Bing like shit. With Loggia, it would all look like prison sex. "Yeah, prison sex."
4. Sally Struthers was a luscious, succulent but whiny piece of anti-Vietnam ass from Queens, but I couldn't stand her when she had the Shirley Temple hair. The problem is, it is hard to separate the Struthers in miniskirts from the later one who could barely wear one of those things as a sauce bib at Red Lobster. These days, when she's on "Gilmore Girls" (Hail Lauren!), she sounds as if she smokes 20 bundled Chesterfield Kings at one sitting, and she's preternaturally spherical, like she could have her own weather system and orbit.
But, I'd take her over Swit. Swit suffered from Loni Anderson syndrome. I'd rather watch Marcia Strassman, who played Nurse Margie Cutler in the first season of "M*A*S*H," then went on to fuck Gabe Kotter. Sort of a Bailey/Jennifer thing.
5. Bale is a little scary, but as Pants said, HE'S MOTHERFUCKING BATMAN, and with Carmine Falcone freaking out in the mental institution, he will have access to all kinds of hot gangster moll action.
On the other hand, have you seen the harem that Patrick Dempsey had in "Some Girls"? Plus, he's getting to do all these current sex scenes with Ellen Pompeo on "Grey's Anatomy," and since half of female America has the thigh sweats for him now, Dempsey wins by a TKO.
6. Valletta is a stick, one of those praying mantis things that could cut you with her angular pelvic bones. Uma is the Goddess of Love, and sweaty dancefloor sex with her could bring about the end of all war, famine and pestilence. Unless, of course, it involves Tarantino yammering between thrusts about whether "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" was better than "That Girl."
Robert Evans, will you marry me?
Dash, have you not read this post on my blog yet?
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