Thursday, June 30, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 15

So here's the situation ...

Let's say this is you ...

And now let's say, just for the heck of it, that while in such condition, you've gotta watch a pornographic videotape ...

And then let's say you must choose between the following pairs who's gonna have to star in the aforementioned viewing entertainment.

Post responses in the comments section.

1. Evangeline Lilly or Kate Beckinsale?

2. "Inside the Actors Studio" sycophant James Lipton or that salty Mr. Peanut?

3. Blair Brown or Bonnie Hunt?

4. A man of letters: F. Scott Fitzgerald or William Faulkner?

5. Mom and daughter showdown: Young Goldie Hawn or Kate Hudson?

6. Pundit pulchritude: Paul Krugman or David Brooks?


At 9:20 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. If it were looks alone, I'd go with Beckinsale, but I can't forgive the travesties that were, "Underworld," "Van Helsing," "Serendipity," and "Pearl Harbor." Even more unforgivable is that they're making a sequel called "Underworld: Evolution." Evangeline wins it by virtue of not being Kate.

2. Mr. Peanut is a FREAK. Skin on, skin off, honey or roasted, sometimes mixing it up with some Chex and shit. Damn. Lipton would just spend the entire tape jacking off into Matthew McConaughey's shoe while babbling about how "The Wedding Planner" forever shifted the paradigm of film, elevating it from a mere art form to an expression of the divine.

3. Blair, for much the same reason Evangeline got it. Even if she wasn't in it, the thought of "Life with Bonnie" is enough to put me off regular porn.

4. Fitzgerald, because you know those ether frolics were hot hot hot.

5. Finally, a challenge. Actually, not really. I give it to Kate because her faux hippie chick in "Almost Famous" seems more knowing and carnal than Goldie's painted dancing on "Laugh In."

6. Krugman. A beard like that screams for sexually adventurous women to try and sway his libido toward the ladies.

At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Arte Johnson said...

I had heard that Peanut was pretty nasty, but I thought that was just a schoolyard rumor. Still, I’ll go with Lipton for these lines:
”Your turn as the sexy nurse was TRANSCENDENT!”
“If there is a bondage room in Heaven, which machine do you hope God binds you to?”

Blair Brown was a rich man’s Ann Romano.

Yeah, tough call, but I’ll go with Laugh-in Era Goldie. Her game-for-anything bimbo persona would have taken direction very well. “Okay, Goldie. For this next scene, we need you to straddle the midget while you manually stimulate the elephant.” “Okay! Tee-hee-hee.”

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Jill Vatican said...

1. Never heard of either one of them…but they are both pretty hot.
2. James Lipton because you know he would be heard asking, “What’s your favorite curse word?”
3. Bonnie because she would be making fun of herself in different positions.
4. Mmmm…gosh Chase, they are both so…sexy
5. Kate…the other seems so….I don’t know…geriatric.
6. Ewww…so, what’s the deal? The female picks are basically all easy to look at but the male choices are all images that are difficult to get out of your head. I would definitely need that machine to hold my eyes open.

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a good point. Have you ever noticed how the women on these derby's are imminently more poundable than the men?

At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

1. Evangeline Lilly is the hotter television version of Kate Beckinsale -- she even plays a woman named "Kate" on "Lost," so the resemblance was apparently not lost on J.J. Abrams.

But, Evangeline Lilly wins for a number of reasons.

a. Her name: it sounds like fucking in the tropics.

b. A few years ago, she was doing really sexed-up commercials for chat lines back in Canada, and she's not ashamed of it -- they showed one on "The Late Show" one night, and she didn't seem too embarrassed -- well, she blushed a little, which was waaay cute. Most of those women go on to distinguished careers in graymarket sensual massage, but Evangeline Lilly (say it again: "Evangeline Lilly") was so impressively and superhumanly hot, she parlayed it into a career as the sexiest woman on television.

c. She has not had a boob job. Beckinsale has clearly had bags inserted in the past three years. Evangeline Lilly ("Evangeline Lilly!") looks perfectly natural in her tank tops and low-cut jeans, and she even has, as Sawyer often points out (derisively, but nevertheless) on "Lost," freckles. Natural is way hotter than $2,000 packed under the bra.

d. Having gotten her potentially embarrassing early work out of the way, Evangeline Lilly ("EVANGELINE LILLY!") can only move up to better things. Beckinsale started in prestige costume dramas and is now best known as the bustier filler in vampire movies. One more time: EVANGELINE LILLY!!!
... anyone for a cigarette?

2. Mr. Peanut, because his current tagline is, "Relax -- Go nuts." What he means by this is the indiscriminate use of amyl nitrate and of sexual experimentation that, ultimately, cost him much of the sight in his right eye. Yes, he now uses the monocle as a shield of sorts against unwanted ocular intrusions.

As for Lipton, you would be forced to listen to such pillow talk as this: "Your most truculent expression of sexual fervor crested lo these 30 seconds ago. Yet, despite your considerable coital success, it occurred two more years before the appointed time of trial that was predicted by your mother's prophecy. Seven years to the day, you say. It was fulfilled monumentally and historically with my most chafed and curlique'd member."

3. Bonnie. Having said that, I was always more interested in the "Nights" of Molly Dodd than the "Days," but I saw Blair recently in a "Law & Order," and that particular schooner has definitely sailed. Blair was hot in a Jennifer Jason Leigh's Older Sister kind of way in the early '90s, but I also remember her having sort of a meltdown on Letterman and then disappearing for a number of years.

I have to assume that is why we're talking about Blair Brown and Bonnie Hunt at the same time, since they were both Dave's fuck buddies. The only one missing is Ellen Barkin.

For the most part, Bonnie has held up better, plus she would insist on improvising based on an audience-chosen sexual theme.

4. Faulkner -- "Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck everything - trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Fuck! You'll absorb it. Then fuck it. If it is good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out the window."

5. With those wide-set pie eyes, Goldie Hawn is basically Carol Channing with sex organs. Kate is much, much more yum-lick-cious, and her half-second of nudity in "Almost Famous" would alone justify DVD technology. Now, if she would just kick that damn dirty hippie husband off of her.

6. These are both extraordinarily homely men, but at least Krugman knows how to use his slide rule to pump the economy to its full tumescence.

Brooks ads to his ghastly lack of identifiable sexuality with his witless smarm. He might prefer "Joe Sixpack" to "Bobos" (his overly cute construction for bourgeois bohemians), but I'd much rather watch the average sleek Starbucks enthusiast ride the wild Bobo than see Joe Sixpack licking Milwaukee's Best off the fat rolls of his favorite truck stop hooker.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. I love Serendipity. Yah, it's mediocre. But given the monthly hormonal surge and a nice bottle of pinot, it's a classic. So I'll go Kate, even though I didn't recognize her in this wind-blown shot.

2. For a long time, I thought Lipton was in a wheelchair. I'm not a faithful viewer, but a pauser surfer. And i never saw him move from the waist down. He sits there so rigid. So even though he can stand, the I can't shake the whole wheelchair thing and that makes it a bit too freaky for I still have nightmares about the worst film ever made--crash--in which people are turned ono by car crashes. Anyway, cartoon characters...or people in mascot-like costumes, i'll watch that any day.

3. flatline

4. Fitzgerald wouldn't, couldn't perform even with a handful of viagara. I think that's why Zelda went insane. When your husband's lust for booze overtakes his lust for you, that spells trouble. And Faulkner--wow--maybe. But he'd have to leave that whole corncob rape thing far behind.

5. Goldie Hawn, because as I age (not as well as Goldie Hawn), I realize the importance of years of practice and skill

6. flatline


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