Thursday, July 07, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 16

Time to don those thinking caps, people. Thursday is Sex Tape Derby day. You know the drill (and if not, read here). Post your selections in the comments section below. And then click your heels together three times.

1. Val Kilmer or Brad Pitt?

2. Ashley Judd or Charlize Theron?

3. Ralph Fiennes or Liam Neeson?

4. It depends on your definition of sex tape: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones?

5. Harrison Ford or Richard Gere?

6. Sarah Jessica Parker or Mary Louise Parker?


At 8:27 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. Just for the caliber of ladies he's pulling in and tossing away, you have to give it to Brad Pitt.

Plus, I had a roommate who looks an awful lot like Kilmer and I already walked in on him once, so that really ruins the suspense.

2. Theron is hotter. Plus, Ashley Judd would have to have a somewhat respected black actor walk through in a cameo, like Morgan Freeman or Sam Jackson, and that totally gets me off my stroke.

3. Fiennes. Honestly, it's just because Neeson has used up almost all of his acting cred on shit like "Nell" and "Gun Shy" that even his Batman work doesn't make up for it.

4. Hmmm...a fine cigar dipped in tang or the pungent odors of a trailer park. I'll go Monica, I guess. Seems like she might be a little kinkier.

5. If you don't want to see Han Solo get his fuck on, then you are not American. So put down that can of spray cheese.

6. Mary Louise, hell, I'll take Tiny Louise or even Louise "Wheezy" Jefferson over Sarah. She can get as dolled up as she wants, but I don't want to see her taking a nose dive on Matthew Broderick.

The only way I'd reconsider is if it involved a time machine and had her in flagrante delicto during her stint on "Square Pegs" or on the set of "Flight of the Navigator."

At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Val Kilmer, yummy. Brad has some kind of speech impediment that I think would hamper his oral skills.

Charlize because she is so smokin hot. I'm a straight woman and I'd do her.

Liam has a legendarily large penis so definitely him. Size matters.

Neither. Bitches. I love Bill, why didn't he pick me? There's still time.

Harrison for the way he'd screw his face all up in the clinch.

I'm with Pants on the Parkers. There's just something skanky about SJ no matter how much makeup or how many Manolos.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Jill Vatican said...

1. I have to go with Val Kilmer. Loved watching him in the Batman suit and he was a great Jim Morrison. – Oh, and I want to meet Dr. Pants’ old roommate…
2. Theron because there’s more of her to watch.
3. Ralph Fiennes, younger and hotter.
4. Monica, because after all, who doesn’t like to watch a “Monica”?
5. The American Gigolo.
6. MLP. Saw enough of SJP on HBO.

At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. No contest, dude. The Pittster, preferably in the soft Robert-Redford lighting that made him glow like an angel in a river runs through it. or maybe tan, sans shirt, plus cowboy hat in thelma a louise. i need to stop thinking about this. hot and bothered.

2. charlize because she's naturally dirty.

3. these two guys are interchangeable for me.
4. Lewinsky. Paula's too plasticky..and i think you could see her anytime on homemade porn tapes at the local rental store

5. this is tough because you didn't specify young or old. harrison ford about 5 years ago was gold. but richard gere during american gigilo was platinum. i need more info

6. Mary Louise Parker. Sarah's the type who would have to put down a towel so as not to make a mess (I knew a woman who insisted her boyfriend do this).

At 11:11 AM, Anonymous tommy said...

1.From an aesthetic standpoint, I think a Pitt/Jolie tape must be the Holy Grail of sex tape aficionados.
2.One of the more difficult match-ups in a while, but I’ll go with Theron, whose feature film appearances have been less revealing.
3.Liam Neeson was a damn Jedi, even if it was Episode I. No contest.
4.Lewinsky. More jiggles.
5.Ford. Gere would be all tantric and meditative. Fine if that’s your thing, but it doesn’t make for great spectator sport.
6.I’ll go with everyone else and say Mary Louise. Looks like American culture has reached its Sarah Jessica saturation point.

At 12:04 PM, Anonymous rick pitino said...

Jolie isn’t all that hot. There, America... I said it.
Still, I’d much rather look at Pitt than Kilmer. And I say that with a staunch record of heterosexuality.

Ashley all the way. She’s college basketball’s sexiest fan, and she has no problem exposing pit stains while cheering on her ‘cats. HOT HOT HOT.

Monica or Paula. Geeze. Poor Bill. He was POTUS and this was the best tail he could score?

I like spray cheese so I guess I have to take Indy.

I’m glad we can all agree that SJP has a permanent seat at the table for Mediocre Chicks Being Promoted as Hot. Let’s save a seat for Jolie.

At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

1. Pitt. The thing about Kilmer is that, in a sex tape, he would be a dick on the set (BUH-dump), demanding that the grip procure an exotic silk-lined Laotian condom lubricated with the honey of an extinct species of bee that he discovered on his last Pan-Asian sex tour.

Pitt is in much better shape than Kilmer. Regardless of Jolie's pneumatic pulchritude, she is reportedly an insatiable stallion rider with hyperdeveloped pudenda muscles from overdoing it on the Kegels. If he can stay up for the down stroke with that demanding sex banshee pummeling his crotch for hours on end, he wins outright.

2. Excuse me while my brain pan melts. Charlize looks like she'd taste like buttercream wedding cake frosting, and she wins this match like an olympian, but this is not fair. Just because Charlize exists in this world, Ashley loses. In any other contest, Ashley Judd would be rolling over the competition like Lizzie Grubman at a street festival. I'm going to cry now.

3. Rafe/Rowlf. Every woman I know has the thigh sweats for Rayff, and while Neeson's reportedly hung a bit better than the average gall wasp, he's getting a little old for da' Derby. Besides, if I had seen Jodie Foster running around stark naked like a wood nymph, spouting authentic frontier gibberish, Imatay ressa ressa me a chicka chicka chickabee.

4. Monica, just because she at least has the potential to be somewhat good-looking, provided she is paired up with a good gastric-bypass specialist.

Jones looks like she could open cans of Alpo with her nose, and she's got the crazy eyes worse than Jennifer Wilbanks. Plus, stupid is not sexy, and Paula Jones would need a remedial course to keep her from putting a bra on backwards.

5. You know, Ford would know how to get his whip on, but leave it to the Buddhist gerbil enthusiast to make a wild and wooly sex tape. Fuck, there'd be so much hot rodent action between Gere and Carey Lowell ("Load me up with another ferret, Carey! I've got wiggle room!", Jack Hanna would probably show up with handling gloves.

6. Mary Louise Parker. Smart and hot. There is something about her voice alone that can cause spontaneous orgasms, but throw in that slightly turned-up nose, the big brown eyes, the full (natural!) lips and what appears to be a rockin' brain, and she is the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary definition of steamy, panting sexaliciousness.

Sarah Jessica Parker is Ruth Fucking Buzzi -- You can dress her in Prada, give her blond ringlets, have her sit on Chris Noth's face and let her do wacky pratfalls in her Manolos, but she's still sexless, horsefaced Ruth Fucking Buzzi. I'd rather watch Nancy Grace letting Larry King in through the mud room.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger said...

I can't see how we could even compare kilmer to pitt but that goes in the same breath as theron and her counterpart. Gere and Ford do match up well only becaues Ford has such a charm about him that it oozes all over.
great piece!
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