Sex Tape Derby, Round 17
Another Thursday, another Sex Tape Derby. If you can't figure it out, check here, but essentially, it is this: You've got to watch a sex video and you've got to choose among the following on who will star. Got it? Good. Now post your selections in the comments section below, and make haste.
1. On the Tiger Beat: Lindsay Lohan or Hillary Duff?
2. Matt Damon or Ben Affleck?
3. The Golden Age: Rita Hayworth or Veronica Lake?
4. Indiana Jonesing: Steven Spielberg or George Lucas?
5. Siren showdown: Diana Krall or Norah Jones?
6. Comedy showdown: Michael Ian Black or David Cross?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 7:30 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Affleck would surely have some tasty costars, but he’d keep switching partners before the money shot.
You’d have to campout for 2 weeks with 30 yr old virgins in costumes to see a new tape from Lucas. And then the dialogue would be lousy, even by adult film standards.
I don’t know who Krall is, but since she’s not Alicia Keys, she can’t be anymore overrated than Jones. A Jones tape would be a big hit among pseudo-intellectuals. They’d display the tape in their dens, along with their first editions, and bore guests with long monologues about how they aren’t aroused by skin flicks without proper character development. Meanwhile their collection of Vivid Video would be discretely stashed under the bed.
Black can’t actually star in a tape – he can only offer sarcastic commentary on other tapes.
1. This used to be an easy question, but Lohan's steadily dropping weight has made the possibility of watching her in a sex scene about as appealing as seeing Sally Struthers molest a kid from the "Save the Children" TV ads. It is Duff, by default, not request.
2. Matt Damon. Maybe it's something about Affleck's overstated personality, but Damon seems like he'd be a little more confident in front of a camera. Affleck would just mug while J-Lo leaves the room to be replaced by J-Gar.
3. Jack White has it right. Hayworth is sexier. If I want to see Veronica Lake fuck somebody, I'll get a Rebecca DeMornay sex tape.
4. Spielberg's cum shots will have special effects and big-name co-stars. In a Lucas tape, the only wood you'll see is in the acting.
5. Krall is just plain hotter. I don't listen to either of their stuff, so I can't say anything funny. Unless "Donkey Balls Amusement Park" is funny.
6. I love alterna-chicks, and David Cross is still banging them. Mayhaps you've heard this bon mot from him:
"Kids are really growing up fast these days, which is why I think the age of consent should be dropped to 15."
A Michael Ian Black tape would either be shown exclusively on VH1 or costarring David Wain and Michael Showalter.
1. If it were the same Lindsey Lohan in Chasey's naughty-hottie photo link, with the ribbons of auburn hair cascading onto supple, ripe breasts and a welcoming crotch turned oh-so-upward, then great -- sign me up two times!! The problem is, that Ann-Margret circa '63 simulacrum does not exist anymore. She has been replaced by what looks like the shriveled, half-frozen, seal-bitten corpse of a wayward bulimic member of the Swedish Bikini Team, just discovered after seasonal thaw on the Scandinavian tundra.
So it falls to Duff, because she hasn't discovered crack yet and her family makes kickass beer.
2. Matt. Even though it might prove difficult to get Damon to crush out his American Spirit long enough to tape good footage of the boy and his hot interior designer girlfriend, it would be better than the undependable Affleck. While Ben's current Jen has a much tighter body than the previous Jen, you just don't know which tape you're going to get. After all, you could be stuck with footage of Affleck teabagging Kevin Smith.
This interview with Kevin Smith was published in Maxim a couple of months back:
"I'd be sitting in the director's chair and I'd be watching a playback, and he'd stand behind me. Every once in a while I'd feel something on my neck. I'd be like, 'What the fuck was that?'
"I'd turn around and he'd have his (scrotum) out and resting on my neck.
"I was like, 'What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? What if it got out in the press that that's the kind of thing you do?'
"He's like, 'No one would ever fucking believe you, sir.'"
Do you really want to see that Larry Gigli motherfucker laying the wrinkly crinkly on Silent Bob?
3. Rita Hayworth. She was the most beautiful of the WWII starlets -- best breasts (better than even Ava Gardner), best hair, best eyes, best mouth, best every sepiatone thing about her. That classic pinup of her in the black mesh bra wasn't just for covering up escape routes from Shawshank -- it caused G.I.s to glaze foxholes from Bataan to Stalingrad.
Veronica Lake just looked like she was cut to resemble Kim Basinger.
4. Spielberg, because he can relate to other life forms. Not only is Lucas beginning to resemble Jabba the Hutt, he doesn't know how to deal with humans -- the fucking would be so pallid and lacking in emotion, nobody would be able to get it up, much less come. Hell, if he can make Natalie Portman look like a bad actress, he could probably make her sexless and homely, too.
5. Jones, but only just slightly.
Krall... well, she's been a bad girl, she's like a chemical.
Though you try to stop it, she's like a narcotic. You wanna torture her, you wanna talk to her.
All the things you bought for her, putting up your temperature.
Even so, I'd still come away with Jones. She's much more sensual and exotic, her lips and eyes are set on "Fuck Me," and she has the kind of warm, giving breasts that make you wanna do a turbo motorboat. She sings, "Don't know why I didn't come," but I'd like to watch her try again.
6. Cross, mainly because Michael Ian Black couldn't get it up unless he had a VH1 TelePrompTer in front of him, reeling off a snarky, scripted remark about Star Jones. It would be horrible -- a big, ugly fucking TelePrompTer'd circle-jerk with Michael Ian Black, Paul Scheer, Paul F. Tompkins and Judah Friedlander laughing at their own sex puns while yanking it at the thought of their endless, prefab hilarity. On the other hand, Jessi Klein can do any fucking thing she wants on camera -- TelePrompTer or not.
I'd like to offer an apology to any shriveled, seal-bitten corpses who might have been offended by previous remarks.
1. I would rather see them fight...
2. Affleck-dirtier girls
3. I had never heard of Veronica Lake, but after that picture she's the one
4. Would this involve Karen Allen or the annoying blonde from Temple of Doom?
5. Norah, hands down
6. Michael Ian Black, but only because The State was suprerior to Mr. Show if you rule out the fact that the latter had the obvious comic advantage of being on a pay network rather than basic cable.
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