Sex Tape Derby, Round 30
Thursday means Sex Tape Derby -- or at least that's what it means in Sanskrit. If you're familiar with this blog, you know the schtick (sorry, LilRed, for the copyright infringement). If not, click here for a fuller understanding of what you've been missing.
1. Seventies style: Young Linda Ronstadt or young Carly Simon?
2. Method style: Johnny Depp or Joaquin Phoenix?
3. A New York Times state of mind: Maureen Dowd or Judith Miller?
4. Stone Phillips or The Rock?
5. Hot plates: Master chef Rachel Ray or master chef Nigella Lawson?
6. And just to be weird about it: Shrek or Donkey?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:01 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
1. Ronstadt orgasms bi-lingually while young Carly looked like she hadn't had a bite to eat since she gave up the placenta. I'll go with Ay, Papi.
2. I like both actors, but if Phoenix can recreate his love scene in "Clay Pigeons" with a little penetration, I'm all over it.
3. The main difference between the two is Dowd is hot while Miller is a corpse. A man's corpse. With shitty journalistic instincts, apparently. The Dowdy one wins.
4. Hard decision. Rock's tape features some bad acting, but nice acrobatics. Stone's tape is boring, but it's on four nights a week.
5. That is the hottest picture of Ray I've ever seen or has ever been taken. And I still choose Nigella. DAMN that woman is hot.
6. If I wanted to see two ogres have sex, I'd pop in the Karl Rove/Scooter Libby "flip-flop" tape. Plus, I can't believe there's a single man on Earth who doesn't want to see the Donkey show just once. For intellectual curiosity. Stop looking at me like that. Fuck off!
(By the way, I think it's hilarious that my word verification for this comment was "twofyne." Baby -- you just two fyne.
1. With that mouth, Simon could give a sequoiah a hummer and still have room for the roots. Still, Ronstadt must have had something going beyond just the beautiful eyes, perfect full lips and luscious, unencumbered breasts, considering that she was the chief provider of juicy sex for most of the Southern California mellow rock bands of the 70s, with Joni Mitchell a distant second. How do you think Jackson Browne and Don Henley stayed so calm? They had all been fucked in half by Ronstadt in a margherita-filled hottub with cocaine as the salt. Ergo, they were too fucked to rock. If she had stayed with Gov. Jerry "California Uber Alles" Brown, she would have been the hottest state first lady in history, and probably would have worn a tube top to the State of the State speech.
2. Joaquin grew up in the Children of God cult, so you know he's completely messed up sexually. Depp's gets to do the French Dip into Vanessa Paradis' steaming au jus every night, so it's Depp.
3. Okay, barring Miller's obvious role as Satan's handmaiden, I'm guessing that about 20 years ago she could have cut off the New York Times' circulation, taking more column inches than a Sunday feature. But, evil has clearly scarred her. She's four years older than Dowd (57 to 53), but Dowd looks about 20 years younger and has this seductive look like she's just been Krugmanned.
4. Phillips: ""If you have ever sat naked on a hotel bedspread, we have a chilling report you won't want to miss."
5. The Rock: (From "The Rundown")"I hate this place. I hate penis-eating minnows and I hate freaky fruit. I want to go home, I want concrete, I want home made tortellini. I want my Los Angeles Lakers. I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home. Get out of here Monkeys."
What, he hates penis-eating minnows? What a pussy. Stone!
6. Shrek would use his earwax as a lubricant and insist on pounding Fiona in the hot marsh. Beyond the obvious "Donkey Style," In the morning, he's making waffles. That'll do, Donkey.
I can't believe Brick left out the master chef bit! What an anorexic wuss?
Geez -- I lost focus, possibly consciousness. At any rate...
Between Rachael Ray and Nigella Lawson, I'd like to see Rachael as a "30-minute Meal," or maybe have the camera take some "Tasty Travels" down south, and as far as I'm concerned, "$40 a Day" is a bargain. Lawson can serve up her Yorkshire pudding anytime, but if Ray wanted to prepare her tenderloin smothered in heavy cream and garnished with nuts, that is a five-star meal.
Brick spent two days coming up with that food/sex fantasy and analogy right there.
He's the Anne Goddamn Rice of STD.
I mean, it's OK to think about it for a while, but be honest -- you invaded a room of TV writers for "Less Than Perfect" and ran this shit past them all night.
Shhhh, shhh -- it's OK to ask for help, big guy. Want an ice cream? Shhhh, shhh.
I remember seeing a photo in Circus magazine taken on Carly's honeymoon of her sitting nude, her bare long legs and breasts with only a Hawaiian lei around her neck. I was vacationing with relatives at a nudist camp. That pic got me hard,and females in my proximity mistakenly thought they were responsible. At 17, I still wasn't much for explaining or apologizing for such a phenomenon.
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