Sex Tape Derby, Round 34
Let us rejoice, for it's another Thursday and another Sex Tape Derby. If you don't know what this is, click here.
Otherwise, post your selections in the comments section ... and just breathe deep the gathering gloom.
1. Tough guys don't dance ... or do they?: John Wayne or Robert Mitchum?
2. Willowy blondes: Maggie Grace or Gwyneth Paltrow?
3. Jared Leto or Ryan Reynolds?
4. Knocking boot old school: Greta Garbo or Theda Bara?
5. Bald is beautiful: Patrick Stewart or Bruce Willis?
6. Rock daughters: Nicole Ritchie or Lisa Marie Presley?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 6:57 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
1. OK, everybody loves The Duke, but let's give it up to Mitchum. Dude looks like he's perpetually about to fall asleep and he was still banging them like Robert "Caligula" Evans back in the day. Though I'd switch my vote back to Marion if he was boning three chicks in full Ghengis Khan regalia.
2. There but for the Grace of God. Seriously, as long as she's not getting down with Coldplay, I'll watch anybody. But Grace has got it going on. Go Maggie.
3. Hmmm. No matter how much I'd love to see a Leto-Danes coupling from back in the day, I'd be even more inclined to watch Reynolds get down with Melissa Joan Hart from the TV movie version of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." Why? Well, I like Reynolds and he might play Deadpool in a movie. Also, there's something kinkier about some Sabrina love.
4. Greta, Greta, Greta. I would cover her in Feta and lick it off. Theda might have a chance, but clean that black shit off your eyes, girl! I don't need no 1920s goth sex.
5. Bruce. Barefoot. On the glass. Still hotter than anything Stewart could muster, even if he got help from Riker.
6. Carnie Wilson.
1. As Miller (Tracey Walter) said in the 1984 classic "Repo Man":
Miller: John Wayne was a fag.
All: The hell he was!
Miller: He was, too, you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress.
Now, check out Mitchum in "Night of the Hunter" for a really twisted headfuck:
Rev. Harry Powell: You thought, Willa, that the moment you walked in that door, I'd start to paw at you in that abominable way that men are supposed to do on their wedding night. Ain't that right, now? I think it's time we made one thing perfectly clear, Willa. Marriage to me represents the blending of two spirits in the sight of Heaven. Get up, Willa.
Get up. Now go look at yourself yonder in that mirror. Do as I say. Look at yourself. What do you see, girl? You see the body of a woman, the temple of creation and motherhood. You see the flesh of Eve that man since Adam has profaned. That body was meant for begettin' children. It was not meant for the lust of men! Do you want more children, Willa?
It's the business of this marriage to mind the two you have now. Not to beget more. Alright, you can get in bed now. Stop shivering.
A real bastard -- on camera and in real life.
2. Gwynnie rides the sine wave for me, and right now she's down. Maggie Grace looks like you could put her in a paper cone and she'd taste just like cotton candy. Definitely like to see Grace under pressure.
3. Ryan Reynolds, just because the guy is a riot and he gets to put the meat to Alanis Morrissette every night.
4. Theda Bara had that bug-eyed, pasty look of almost every silent starlet from Mary Pickford onward. Garbo was from another planet -- stunning. "Garbo Talks!" Garbo Laughs!" "Garbo Fucks!"
5. Stewart, and for only one reason: What did he say any time someone wanted to enter his stateroom on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?
"Come!"
6. To paraphrase Redd Foxx, "Nicole Ritchie's suffering from Zachli Disease, because her face look's Zachli like my ass!"
Lisa Marie is definitely hot, but putting aside the crazy-ass marriages, she's just a little creepy. As a friend of mine from high school with very Costanzan neuroses once said, "Someday I want to bang her from hell to Graceland, but I can't get over the fact that, every time I'd look down, it would look like I was fucking Elvis."
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