Sex Tape Derby, Round 67
Today's clever match-up in Sex Tape Derby involves old geezer movie stars and their much younger and anorexic girlfriends. And so, let's get to the tiresome setup, shall we? You absolutely, positively must watch a homemade sex tape. Which of the following celebrities would you prefer to see get their mojo working? Post your selections in the comments section below.
Calista Flockhart or ...
Lara Flynn Boyle?
Back-in-the-day Harrison Ford or ...
Back-in-the-day Jack Nicholson?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 3:52 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
Lara has always been a dream.
Come on! Who wants to watch hands solo?
I can’t help but think if it isn’t a very dark sex tape it will be like watching with x-ray vision. Without clothes you could very likely see right through both of those girls.
Jack. No, Harrison…no, Jack. No. Harrison. Jack. Harrison. Jack. Oh Hell.
A Nicholson sex tape would be FANTASTIC. I see Jack in an open kimono, slumped in an oversized, leather recliner, cigar and scotch in one hand and remote in the other, yelling at the Lakers to “GET BACK ON D,” while a 23 yr old “actress” tries in vain to orally stimulate him. The scene ends with Jack giving her a backhand to the jaw after she complains about cigar ash in her hair.
Both twigs are most definitely exceptions that prove the rule: Chicks can never be too thin.
Unlike Boyle, Flockhart might actually be attractive if she had some cheese fries. Still, I’ll take Boyle because I’m always mistakenly believing she’s related to Sherilyn Fenn. And any reminder of Fenn is a good thing.
1. Calista is the lesser of two evils here. I know there are a lot of Boyle fans, but I'll always remember her unfondly as Wayne's psycho ex in "Wayne's World."
Yes, I am 12 years old and currently living in the year 1994.
2. Jack in the sack. Sweet Joyce Gilchrist, that might be the most entertaining sex tape of all time.
Thinking there would only be one "actress" is a fallacy in fellatio. He would have at least three, one of them likely Asian.
And he's fucking Nicholson. I'm surprised we haven't seen this sex tape live on the sidelines as Kobe continues to not pass the pall. What does he care if you see him giving the bone pony ride to somebody? HE WAS IN "THE SHINING."
Jesus and Mary Bone Fragments! You could pick your teeth with either of their femurs after traveling on your southbound vacation! But, I'll take Boyle -- she seems dirtier than Sanchez.
Oh, and Nicholson. Imagine Jack at one of those Robert Evans marching powder orgies in 1973, with his face in Bebe Buell's hoo-hah and his scary meat in Diane Keaton's apple juice-soaked nethers.
"Like a pussy soaked in apple juuuuuuuuuuuuice. Are we still taping this?"
I'd have to agree with Brick. When Lara still had some meat on her bones, she had that dirty girl aura down pat. Remember her in "Happiness" and "Threesome"? If you're going to have to watch a grainy sex tape, at least you wanna watch a nasty girl, right?
I think Nicholson would win hands down. Let's be honest: Harrison Ford has a flaky, vapid personality in real life. Jack Nicholson is, well, he's friggin' Jack Nicholson! His personality would carry the entire thing. I'm thinking of a weird home video hybrid of "The Shining" with "Witches of Eastwick" with maybe a "Five Easy Pieces" "hold it between your kneews" monologue thrown in for good measure.....
I love this!! The men are more excited about the men than the girls for once. Jack'll do that to a boy.
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