Lucious Pusey Revealed

By Daniel Gale-Grogen

Imagine, if you will, a situation in which your parents named you Lucious Pusey. (Easy, Brick.) The thing is, you are a 22-year-old football player for Eastern Illinois University, not a top-heavy, gymnastically able blonde who completely misunderstood what your righteous high school classmates meant when they said, "See you at the pole!"

Well, if you had to endure the taunts of pigskin fans every weekend because your father, Horatius Felix Pusey, wanted to endow his son with a similarly flowery name, but instead everyone thinks your name sounds like the subtlely implied image of a Georgia O'Keeffe painting, you would visit an attorney, too.

The Smoking Gun has the paperwork for his official surname dump, in which the linebacker will now change his name to Lucious Seymour, after his mother's maiden name. The problem is that now fans are likely to call him "Seymour Lucious Pusey," which is even better than before.

Now, back to our seriousness.