Sex Tape Derby, Round 9
Happy Thursday, people. Let's say you've got to pick you know what. Who would it be? Post your responses in the comments section. Answers will be donated to further the cause of science.
1. Charlie's Angels grudge match: Cameron Diaz or Lucy Liu?
2. OK, just for the Star Wars freaks: Anakin Skywalker or Obi-Wan Kenobi?
3. Maria Bello or Laura Linney?
4. As long as we tossed out quasi-fictitious choices, how 'bout Paul Newman's Butch Cassidy or Robert Redford's Sundance Kid?
5. Bush bashing: Jenna or Barbara?
6. Does everybody really love Raymond? Ray Romano or Brad Garrett?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:12 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1. Go with Liu, not for any other reason than I don't want to see Justin Timberlake naked, further confusing my already tenuous grasp on heterosexuality.
2. Obi-Wan. I know, I know -- Skywalker "hit that" with Padame, but you just know there was no chemistry in it. At least Alec Guinness could act like he was aroused by a woman.
3. Linney can make desperation sexy. All Bello can do is make sexy look desperate. Plus, you know, fuck her for "Coyote Ugly."
4. I'll tell you what I told the guy at the sex club in Amsterdam: If you have to choose between which of two guys you have to see fuck, Butch is always going to be more entertaining than Sundance.
5. Barbara's hotter, but Jenna's sluttier. Skanks always get preferential treatment.
6. I get the feeling Ray would be quick and quiet. Give Brad Garrett five unscriped minutes on TV and that bastard will give you a shitty monologue while pushing her head into the cushions.
1. Liu. For all the raving about Diaz' considerable pulchritude and heart-shaped gluteus, her beauty is boring -- you can see women who look like Diaz serving up pork cracklins at any Black Angus. Plus, she's pounding the Pomeranian with Justin Timberlake, so the tape would be all gummy with styling products, stubble from Timby's latest chest waxing and noxious essential oils wrung from Speedos.
2. Anakin. Contrary to Pants, even if the tape has zero chemistry, it's still Natalie Portman in the altogether. Guinness did time with old-school hotties like Maureen O'Hara and Jean Simmons, but that was back when they were coitus kinescopes, not sex tapes. The only real problem is Christensen would come too fast and then ask, Stephen Glass-style, "Are you mad at me?"
3. Bello es bella. The only reason to watch "The Cooler" was seeing Maria Bello getting the lickety split. Unfortunately, William H. Macy was doing the work, which is probably why I've never really been able to get into Felicity Huffman.
Re: "Fuck her for 'Coyote Ugly.'" Throw in Piper Perabo, and you've got one hell of a deal.
4. Either one would be great for all that rolling around in Old West grit and sex with bustier-clad, lice-riddled damsels in filthy saloons. Also, "falling-off-a-cliff sex" is the last sex you'll ever remember.
5. Babs, but only if the tape could be sent to her repressed asshole of a father after I'm finished with it. Then we could leak a story to Newsweek about how he watches videos of his daughter having sex.
I really hate to say this about someone with her ancestry, but Barbara is hot by any standard, Weekly or otherwise. As for Jenna, I'm just not fond of moon-faced alcoholics with vomit in their hair. If I wanted to see that, I'd watch the tape that all the Skull & Bones members have.
6. It would come down to who had the most annoying sex banter, and Ray wins by default. Romano, faced with faltering performance, would just continue to whine "No...no...no...no..." Garrett would spend 20 minutes doing shtick about how big he is when he's really talking about height, then the camera would pan down to a "hangnail with an afro."
"falling off a cliff sex." Damn it, why didn't I use that reference. DAMN IT!
And I could never be down with Piper. "You can't fight the moonlight?" What kind of bullshit is that?
1. You can never assume that a celebrity’s significant other is also their co-star. Sex tapes are like a box of chocolate; you never know what you’re going to get. Brick apparently has much better luck choosing restaurants than I do. Diaz.
2. Which Ob-Wan? Which Anakin? Alec Guinness’ Obi-Wan would doubtless bring the most screen presence, but I’m going to hold out for the Yoda sex tape (“Like it like this you do—hmmmm, yes.”).
3. Bello, her work in The Cooler showed great sex tape promise, and Linney’s sudden Lady McBeth at the end of Mysic River is still a bit chilling.
4. Butch, for the creative use of salad dressing and because all proceeds of the tape would go to progressive causes.
5. Jenna; Babs looks to have too much self-respect to be entertaining.
6. Garrett, as sex tapes need more shitty monologues.
Can't belive I missed an STD (huh-huh). Stupid job.
I have nothing to add, and yet...
First impulse says Sundance, because we'd finally get to see the unrated version of the rape fantasy scene. But then you realize that Butch's scene would ALSO include a young, tasty K.Ross. Either way, giddy-up.
And maybe you HAVE to go w/ Butch, for the creative possibilities. After all, Butch keeps thinking. That's what he's good at.
A fat blonde or a thin brunette? Gee, let me think. We need more of Barbara's Bush.
Really? You saw an early screening of Stars Wars? Sure hope the tix were comp'd.
Hey, Ryan Adams has a new album. Isn't about time for a Chase review of new music?
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