Sex Tape Derby, Round 8
If it's Thursday, it's Sex Tape Derby. At least that's what the voices tell me. Post your picks in the comments section below. For an explanation of what the hell this is, click here.
1. Errol Flynn or Clark Gable?
2. Tara Reid or Jessica Biel?
3. Neocon nookie: Douglas Feith or Paul Wolfowitz?
4. American Idol showdown: Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson?
5. Kobe Bryant or LeBron James?
6. The age-old question: "Bewitched"-era Elizabeth Montgomery or "I Dream of Jeannie"-era Barbara Eden?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:04 AM
4 comments
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4 Comments:
This beats that shitty Kentucky Derby any day. I probably wouldn't want to watch but one, maybe two, of those horses have sex on tape.
1. Robin Hood wins because, you know, Maid Marion has got to be hot and bothered under all that shit.
2. This choice is so easy. Biel any time. Reid is only an acceptable choice is you really get off on drugged-out botched-boob job falling starlets.
3. Wolfowitz looks like the kind of wildman that might tell a woman:
"Hey...let's get crazy. Why don't YOU get on top for a minute."
4. Clarkson's better looking, but either would be fine as long as I was watching it with a constantly critiquing Simon Cowell. Then I'd get to murder him, eat his heart, and make what little strengths he has my own.
5. If I was Japanese, Kobe, but as an American, LeBron. I'm not into watching rape tapes.
6. Montgomery wins, just because she better meets today's standards of beauty. Still, she never seems as interested in pleasing either Darren NEARLY as much as Jeannie was gagging for some hot, astronaut love.
"gagging for some hot, astronaut love" ... Dr. Pants, thank you. I think I've waited a lifetime to see that phrase somewhere.
Sam vs Jeannie...
Initial Hotness: B&W Liz was kick-you-in-groin hot. BIG Edge: Sam
Wardrobe: This is obviously one-sided, but let me just mention that Liz's wardrobe remains one of the great injustices of television. BIG Edge: Jeannie
Enthusiasm: The good doctor is right - Babs only wanted to please her man, by any means necessary. Liz seemed more concerned about cooking a roast w/out sorcery, but she DID always meet the Darrens at the door with a drink. Slight Edge: Jeannie
Evil Twins: Draw
Orgy potential: Babs was always blinking in hot go-go dancers, while the only unexpected visitors at the Stevens house were Agnes Morehead and Paul Lynde. BIG Edge: Jeannie
Nosy Neighbors: Mrs Kravitz vs Mrs Bellows? Duh. BIG Edge: Jeannie
A quick tally shows the clear winner is… Sam. Yes, it appears Jeannie won a majority of categories, but you have to remember… B&W Liz was really, really, REALLY hot.
1. Flynn.
From Anecdotage.com: "More so than most men, Errol Flynn was obsessed with sex. A mural in his home depicted fish with enormous members performing Kama Sutran feats. Several chairs were rigged so that a penis would pop out from the cushions with the touch of a button. Many of his possessions (lighters for example) were shaped like genitals. And the centerpiece of his bar (designed with a bullfighting motif) was a large liquor cabinet whose door was opened by squeezing a pair of bull's testicles!"
Obviously, Flynn knew how to put the hammer down.
2. Biel, Biel, a thousand times Biel. She has all of her original parts, is in great shape and seems less likely to vomit during sex. Reid, having gotten one of those cut-rate, San Fernando Valley, fiberglas boob jobs, is about one glass pipe away from doing egg shows at stag parties.
3. Wolfowitz. Did you see the way that guy fellated his comb in "Fahrenheit 9/11"? Sick fuck. Once he gets his bearings at the World Bank, it's either hookers for everyone, or everyone will be forced to be hookers, one or the other.
4. Underwood. She seems a little chaste in a Baptist-y "True Love Waits/WWJD/"See You at the Pole" (heh-heh) kind of way, but the failure rate of those chastity programs in the face of blazing-hot thigh sweats is sky high. Clarkson already looks like she knows from nasty, but Carrie Underwood looks so repressed, her clothes could spontaneously explode off her ripe, supple flesh at any minute.
5. I'm with Pants. Rape tapes are bad news. I still have problems watching "Requiem For a Dream."
6. Jeannie was so compliant, it made me a little queasy -- a little too mail order Filipino bride. Samantha was TV tube-melting hot, especially in black-and-white while wearing those tight sweaters. She gets double points for cousin Serena, who was even hotter than Samantha.
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