Sex Tape Derby, Round 7
Put on those libidinous thinking caps, folks. It's another round of Sex Tape Derby. You know the drill, or damn well should, at this point. It's a videotape and you've got to make your decisions on whom you'd rather see, well, you know, do it. Post your selections in the comments section, and don't be shy.
1. Back to the Eighties: Tom Selleck or Harrison Ford?
2. The agony of being Brad Pitt: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
3. Colin Powell or Donald Rumsfeld?
4. Juliette Binoche or Julia Ormond?
5. Pepe Le Pew or Foghorn Leghorn?
6. A tip of the fedora to Godfather, Part III: Sofia Coppola or Bridget Fonda?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:01 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I assume you left me out because I was the obvious G3 winner.
Sofia isn't attractive. I'd rather see Adrian naked. Besides Sofia would be more intested in the tape's lighting and camera angles. Too distracting.
Gotta go with the poor skunk, who has been unsucessfully trying to copulate for 60 yrs. Talk about blue balls
These are getting too easy...
1. Selleck, because I've always wanted to see an moustachioed 80s star do it with a blonde chick in the back of a red Corvette while his black friend flies a helicopter overhead.
2. Sound on: Aniston. Sound off: Jolie.
3. Rumsfeld all the way, because after the shit he pulled, gay or not, I'm going to enjoy seeing him get gang-raped in prison. Preferably by Iraqi nationals.
4. Binoche. She's just...French-er.
5. Pepe would take forever, constantly with the romantic talk. I'll take the quick hit with Foghorn and enjoy this dialogue.
"I say, I say, I say, uhhhhhhhh....Suck it!"
6. Coppala, because she'll have it all blocked out before hand. Fonda would probably yell, "LINE!" halfway through the oral.
Heh-heh -- you said "drill." You said "do it."
1. Ford. Although most of those rumors have died away, Tom Selleck still looks like he slurps down franks and beans on Fire Island every weekend. So, that tape gets run over a few times and peed on by feral cats for good measure.
As for Ford, the only issue is that all of his co-stars of the '80s disappeared after working with him (Kelly McGillis, Karen Allen, Kate Capshaw). The only one who sort of survived was Melanie Griffith, who had a brain for digging holes in the backyard and a bod for sin once upon a time. Still, much better than Tom having Bruce and Jeff pick him up at 10.
2. Angelina Jolie, because that would be the best porn ever -- ever! She is genetically engineered for epic, high-budget, Adrian Lyne-directed porn. Aniston... well, I always enjoyed her braless wonder routine on "Friends," but an Angelina sex tape might just be better than most actual sex.
3. Rumsfeld. Jeezuhs, Powell can't even put his ass into a karaoke version of "Y.M.C.A." Rumsfeld, however, can talk a line of shit that would embarrass Pat O'Brien, and the post-coital one-sided small talk would be hilarious:
"Did you come? No, of course not. Was it in my best interests to make you come? Sure -- no one's disputing that."
4. Binoche. Loved Ormond as Catherine the Great in all those furs barely covering all that creamy white skin, but Binoche has no compunction about onscreen sex -- hell, she did Jeremy Irons. Besides, look what happened to Ormond after she co-starred with Harrison Ford...
5. Pepe. He's been trying to get his stink on that pussy (cat) for years, and for some reason, he acts like he knows what he's doing. As for Foghorn, I've always been a little dubious on who the "Chicken Hawk" is in those cartoons, and besides, watching Foghorn get his beak wet would be like watching Fred Dalton Thompson have sex.
6. Well, in 1990 I would have picked Fonda (check out her scene in a now-forgotten anthology called "Aria" -- she was perfection), but Sofia's gotten better looking over the years to the point where she's genuinely hot. Plus, she's not all that concerned with arcs or definite resolutions.
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