Sex Tape Derby, Round 6
Let's say you had to watch a videotape -- or DVD, as the case may be. And let's say the aforementioned video captured the act of lovemaking, or boot-knocking, or the beast with two backs, or whatever silly vernacular phrase you prefer. And let's say you had to watch ... (click here if you still don't get what I'm driving at). Post your responses in the comments section below.
Go ahead... all the kids are doin' it ...
1. Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn?
2. Massachusetts junior senator John Kerry or Massachusetts senior senator Ted Kennedy?
3. Desperate Housewives face-off: Marcia Cross or Teri Hatcher?
4. Punk poet Henry Rollins or the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Anthony Kiedis?
5. Wasted Courtney Love or wasted Whitney Houston?
6. Toby Keith or Tim McGraw?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:58 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Ah, battle of the classics. Audrey maintains a permanent home on my Top 5 Hottie list, but how can you not be curious about boudoir talents that make you willing to give up ownership of an entire country? “But my loyal subjects, you just don’t understand… she’s DIFFERENT when we’re alone.”
Ted. I’ve always wondered what a slobbering drunk misogynist looks like during Naughty Time, and since I don’t have a mirror above my bed…
Teri looks good for a 60 yr old, but I boycott this (and all DH issues) on the basis that ABC’s initial promos during football season did not warn us that the show was just a soap opera.
The Look-At-My-Cut-Abs battle. Both of them are insufferable, but RHCP suck-diddily-uck. At least Black Flag was a good soundtrack for college.
Courtney makes you wince even when she’s clothed.
What are we going to do with Toby? Is this really the best celebrity fan the Sooner Nation can come up? I can grudgingly accept that a country musician is appropriate, but key-rist, is Dwight Yoakam THAT busy?
1. Grace. Assuming that Chase is referring to these stars in their 1950s prime, both were almost incomprehensibly beautiful -- so beautiful, it almost gives you brain damage to imagine either of them having sex, and the thought of them en flagrante delicto together could make you flatline. Although my tastes generally go toward Audrey, Grace was supernaturally, unreasonably hot. Rainier was the luckiest owner of high-rent shorefront property in the history of history.
2. Kerry's in better shape, but Ted's a sick, red-faced pimp whose weekends in Florida must regularly involve about 10 prep-school-bred women in their late teens cut to look like Rachel McAdams, raging drunk, high on poppers and ready to bed a decrepit, bloated man with an enormous cranium and Johnny Walker Black Label coursing through his veins.
3. Teri Hatcher. Cross is just a little too lizardly and copiously Botox'd, although her recent lingerie scene is burned into my gray matter. Teri, on the other hand, has never waivered from doe-eyed perfection -- I even watched that godawful "Lois and Clark" just to stare at her. In fact, the only thing I would completely balk at is one of her godawful Radio Shack ads. Beyond that, she is immaculate, even giving Longoria a challenge in that archetype, but I'm going with the one who brought me. Plus, they're real, and they're still spectacular.
4. It's a draw. Rollins screams better, and would likely, in mid thrust, break out into slam poetry about buying condoms at Rite-Aid and having to fight off fanboys looking for autographs and taking pictures for www.defamer.com on their cell phones, so that would be entertaining. Kiedis is just too simian, but probably still gets better groupies -- much better groupies.
5. Love on a technicality. Ever smelled a crack ho? They're constantly dropping loads in their pants. Love, on the other hand, would smell like mid-August at the Fulton Fish Market, but at least it wouldn't be feces.
6. McGraw, but only because the tape would probably include his wife. Keith, on the other hand... you could practically feel his career peaking earlier this year, which means the country girls are only going to get uglier. Within two years, it will reach the point where the only groupie sex he can get will be with women who look like Larry the Cable Guy in Daisy Duke drag.
1. This one is actually tough. Damn. I go Hepburn, but if it cost me my soul, I'd still take a tape with both of them, eschewing Cary Grant's company for that of a 50s-era hand-cranked lady-pleaser.
2. Kennedy dresses all his teen-age whores in Catholic school girl outfits before passing out on them while they lick his gin-soaked skin until they're too drunk to care.
3. Marcia Cross, because I've had Hatcher, and, while real, they're hardly that spectacular.
4. Kiedis, not only because he wouldn't scream, but also because he might do the deed under a bridge, Downtown. It's where he wants to go.
5. Jesus Christ. I'd rather watch Bobby Brown hump Kurt Cobain's remains than see either of these, but between the two? Love, I guess. I think she was probably wasted during that 5 minutes MTV made her look semi-hot.
6. Toby Keith, I guess, because I've always wanted to see a guy sing Boomer Sooner during sex. Also the comedy value of seeing him get through about one Sooner before going, "Booo----I'm sorry." then crying on the floor.
Alright already. I told Chase he should make this thing a choice between couples because like Dr. Pants, I think of these people masturbating or doing each other, which, except in the case of the desperate housewives kinda grosses me out. Not that there's anything wrong with masturbating or being gay, I like a little of both. OK a lot of one and a little of the other if I ever had the opportunity. So. . .
1. Aren't they both dead and anyway, too sweet to visualize having sex with anybody. No No No.
2. John Kerry cause he kinda turns me on, in an "i'm gonna MAKE you like me" kinda way.
3. Marcia Cross--I'd like to see her boobs cause I think they're real and they're real big.
4. Anthony Kiedis. He has a big sock and is basically luscious.
5. I refuse to answer based on my constitutional right against regurgitation.
6. Tim McGraw. Again because he's hotter and I'm just a girl.
There, are you HAPPY!!!???
P.S. At the risk of making Chase jealous, Dr. Pants, you crack me up!!!
1. I think Grace Kelly was an oral queen...how else do you snare fabulous weath/power/glam...and, as a woman, i really don't find that too arousing. hepburn, i bet, could get down and dirty. my guess is that she was a dirty talker. and since she turns on my hubby, she gets the vote.
2. Blech. Chase, you've got some sicko tendencies, dude. Kerry completely creeps me out. I voted for him only months of consternation. As one of my friends noted, he looks like one of the talking trees on H.R. Puffinstuff. Because of all of this, I choose Ted. He'd pass out early in and I wouldn't have to worry about it. His big-ol-red honker would likely be the star (the one one on his face).
3. nothing comes to mind. never saw marcia cross before this photo.
4. rollins. yummy (although sort of scary) man who could carry you up and down a ladder without breaking a sweat. i already saw anthony in all his glory when the peppers played oberlin college in the early 1990s. just being next to flea naked rules him out for me.
5. courtney, although i'm not sure why. maybe i want to count the bruises that always show up on her arms and legs.
6. although i know the names, i don't know the faces or any background. but i'll vote anyway, for tim. toby sounds so SNL "pat"
I just stumbled across your post, but if you are always this good I think I will continue to read you if you don’t mind. Either way to answer your questions...
1. Audry Hepburn, simply because I have always liked her, there is no other reason because they are both stunning.
2. I would love to say that I have seen a Kennedy in the buff, I also hope that someday Kerry will be president, so I wouldn’t want to hurt his chances.
3. I’m not big TV buff but I know Teri Hatcher.. therefore I would want to see Marcia Cross, maybe in something with role playing… simply for observation of her acting of course
4. This one is tough… it would have to be depending on the mood… the poet soft lovemaking to the rocker’s wild animal lust…can I just have both?
5. I’ve always loved Whitney so I’m not sure I would be able to watch her… this one will have to be Courtney Love… and when you think of it.. I think that would be the better of the two to watch.. she’s a tiger
6. And now for the reason I found your page. I am IN LOVE with Toby Keith. He is the sole reason I initially started listening to country music, and were he to be unmarried I would track him down. *single tear* Either way. I would want him to be the star. He may not be as good as he once was, but he’s good enough for me.
1.) Audrey seems like she would enjoy it more. A vote for both of them together, even though hot girl-on-girl action usually leaves me cold (either they're not into it, in which case it's fakey, or they are, and I feel irrelevant)---aesthetically pleasing to see two beautiful women, even if it doesn't really turn me on.
2.) Kerry; bigger member, probably, for better shunga.
3.) Cross---never seen either of them act, but am mildly pervy for redheads, and her jaw is less mannish.
4.) The Chile Peppers guy, as Rollins is an arsehole...but tattoos on _anyone_ gross me out, thereby making me safe from most contemporary porn. (See: fashion as anti-Oedipal hack.)
5.) Courtney Love; supposedly she has mad groupie skillz, and I'm bigoted sexually whether I want to be or not.
6.) Toby Keith is the greater darling (excuse me, '"darlin'") of all right-thinking Americans (excuse me, "Merkins"), so Mr McGraw.
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