Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 28

You must watch sex. You must pick your star among the following. You must post your selections in the comments section.

If you still need more, click here.

1. Serenity now: Morena Baccarin or Summer Glau?

2. Bono or Sting?

3. Bulimia boom boom: Calista Flockhart or Kate Moss?

4. Hey, lady!: Jerry Lewis or Dean Martin?

5. Lady Justices: Harriet Miers or Sandra Day O'Connor?

6. Olivier, they ain't, but what the hell: Keanu Reeves or Paul Walker?


At 7:24 AM, Anonymous Sideshow Luke Perry said...

Dino is my personal hero… he always had a drink, a smoke, and a new hottie… every performance seemed to be a half-assed, throw-away effort, and yet he was crazy successful. Truly, Dino was the patron saint of lazy, alcoholic misogynists. As my buddy Zeb says, “It always sounded like he was smiling when he sang. He was probably unloading in some gal’s throat while flicking ash in her hair.”

Krusty, talking about his plane, the “I’m-on-a-rolla-gay”:
“I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One time we were flying, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about! But, it ended up infringing on one he recorded years earlier.”

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

OK, let's DO this.

1. Summer is hotter. There's just something off about Morena's face, guess, while Glau has a nice "Queen of Darkness" feel to her.

Still, if it was an all-ship love fest, I'd take Jewel Staite over all of them, especially because her character seems to be a ragin sexaholic.

2. Bono just for economy. I figure they probably pull about the same class of tail, but Bono's tape might last 30 minutes, tops. I'd be growing old watching Sting give it to some chick using only his quivering, turgid Chi.

3. Kate Moss wins because coke whore is hotter than fake lawyer.

4. Dean Martin banged every woman of legal age alive between 1947 and 1955. At least one of those tapes has to be hot. (Still, I'm sure Jerry's sex tape would be funny, if I was French.)

5. Sandra Day O'Connor wins because coke whore is hotter than fake lawyer.

6. I go with Neo, first because as a bigger star he can probably pull a hotter chick, but also because I'm hoping and praying that the tape will include a remake of one of his worst films, "Chain Reaction."

Random hot girl, panting underneath Keanu: "What are you doing?"

Keanu, steely gaze fixed, "The best that I can."

Still, I wonder if Alex Winter is getting any in whatever gulag he's been using to hide out.

At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

Not to take anything away from the luscious Morena, but the way Glau twists those supple raspberry lips and bores holes in you with those crazy eyes -- and we love crazy eyes -- she looks like she could cast an unbreakable sex spell on any man, woman or beast of burden. Watching the video, you'd never know what she'd do to her partner -- fuck him in half or nearly beat him to death with a shillelagh. Either way, it would be HAWT.

2. Bono. According to Al Franken, the average amount of time business travelers spend viewing a porn selection on Spectravision is 12 minutes. Watching that mealy adult contemporary vegan pound Trudie for 10 hours would be about as sexy as sitting through an entire Ken Burns documentary and then topping it off with "Shoah."

3. Generally, I'm not fond of women who can pick their teeth with their elbows. If the Flockhart video were with Harrison Ford, at least there's a decent chance it would involve a bull whip.

Moss wins by a vampire bat coke nostril, though. Here's the scenario: Pete Doherty nods off, and Kate, wired to her copiously plucked eyebrows on Bolivian Marching Powder, cannot get off on Pete's useless choda. So, she ends up humping everything in the room -- lamps, shower heads, the single-serve coffee machine -- whatever presents itself. Finally, she turns on the Magic Fingers and blows out 12 shrieking orgasms. That's entertainment!

4. Dean got all the hot women, but Mr. "Hey Lady!" wins on pure spectacle. A Jerry Lewis video would begin with him banging a past-her-prime Vegas showgirl, then for the next 24 hours he would babble incoherently, cry, scream, wipe his brow, and close with a tearful rendition of "You'll Never Fuck Alone."

5. Sandra D.O. wins, because she has a track record -- we have a chance of knowing where she stands on "Teabag v. Dirty Sanchez." Miers is 60 and unmarried, which means long, torrid nights curled up with a vibrator and a dog-eared copy of Black's Law Dictionary.

6. "I know tantra. Whoa!" The problem with a Keanu sex tape would be the Wachowskis stopping the action, running the footage through a Silicon Graphics terminal and spitting out these stupid pauses with sweeping, 360 angle shots. Still -- great production values and well-lighted shots of sweat gathering on Carrie-Ann Moss' turgid nipples.

Walker, on the other hand, is so dreadfully stupid, he'd be letting out a scream during climax, then abruptly stop and say, "Line?"


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