Shut up, We're Having a Baby

by Daniel Gale-Grogen

If Fox News is to be believed -- which isn't often, but for the sake of this argument, let's be generous -- Tom Cruise interviewed several of the more nubile members of Hollywood's up-and-coming actress sect for the position currently being filled by Katie Holmes. Among those who made the final round of interviews were Jennifer Garner, Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba. Fox also reported that Scarlett Johansson made a narrow escape after a dinner at Hollywood's Scientology Celebrity Centre.

Of course, with People magazine reporting that Holmes has submitted to a Purification Rundown and they are now going to spawn a little Hubbie, those actresses (with the exception of Garner, who now suffers a potentially worse fate) are undoubtedly having that near-miss phenomenon experienced by people who narrowly avoided an airline crash or sold their stock in HCA before it tanked.

So, we at CTTC decided to check out what Scientology's views of childbirth might be, and found this passage in the holiest of holy science fiction novels:

"Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers."

L. Ron Hubbard, "Dianetics," Chapter X, "Preventive Dianetics," page 193

So, breathing exercises are out, which means Katie will suffer more during the birth than she should. Natural childbirth is okay, but what is Cruise going to do when Katie starts feeling that "passing a Thanksgiving turkey through a pinhole" feeling and wants to take quick, rhythmic breaths? Will her "Scientology Chaperone" Jessica Rodriguez be on hand to give her Thetan pep talks? If, as Hubbard claimed in "History of Man," that humans evolved from clams, should the hospital cafeteria not consider a "catch of the day" menu on Katie's due date?

And what will Tom do if Katie suffers post-partum depression? Offer her a One-A-Day and tell her to walk it off?