Make Mine a Cheeseburger

So a while ago I was having dinner with some of my family members at Johnnie's (for you non-Oklahoma Cityans, Johnnie's is a much-revered burger joint and something of a local institution), and my brother casually mentions that he is so sick of burgers that he doesn't think he could eat another one ever again.

Now, aside from such a pronouncement sounding like an Arby's oven mitt's wet dream, I was mortified because ... well ... because I love burgers. Frankly, I can't imagine a world without burgers. For a moment, I thought he was speaking in tongues.

Perhaps I need to put my love of burgers in context. OK, so maybe I don't love burgers the same way I, say, love my wife or my still-percolating child, or even in the same way I love my 1960 Carl Yastrzemski Topps rookie card, but make no mistake, I do love burgers. I'm with the folks of A Hamburger Today, a blog after my own heartburn, which celebrates all things burgery. If there is food in heaven (and despite what the Church of Calista Flockhart teaches about the matter, I'm sure there is) I'm betting that Saint Peter and his posse like nothing more than a fat greasy slab of Angus beef topped with melted cheese, onion and tomato, all nestled in the goodness of a hot bun (and get your mind out of the gutter).

The best burgers I have ever had, in ascending order:

5. Red Robin
None around these Oklahoma parts, but a staple of my diet when I lived on the West Coast once upon a time.

4. Fatburger
From a time I spent living in Los Angeles, I have ridiculously nostalgic memories of gorging myself on these monstrosities at 3 in the morning after a night of college-fueled drinking. In retrospect, I'm not even sure they were hamburgers.

3. Johnnie's Charcoal Broiler
An Oklahoma City tradition since the early 1970s, or at least it always was in the McInerney household. My mother is addicted to the joint. If it were up to her, every single family event -- weddings, funerals, graduations, reunions, child-custody hearings -- would be held within the confines of the quasi-original location on N. Britton Avenue.

2. Tommy's Original Burger
A Los Angeles institution. I am reasonably sure I loved their burgers back when I lived in that fair city, but to be honest, I was usually too hammered to know for certain (see #4).

1. Ron's Hamburgers & Chili
Old-fashioned, artery-clogging goodness in various Oklahoma City locations. A single Ron's specialty burger (usually a burger slammed together with a slab of sausage or whale lard) could transform Mary-Kate Olsen into a Viking helmeted-opera singer.

Major disclosure: I have never tried what in these here parts is the legendary Meers burger in the town of Meers, Oklahoma. I know, I know; it's an unpardonable sin.

Addendum: And if such burger talk still doesn't have you singing praise to the all-American sandwich, check out this 1980 training video for Wendy's (via just jared).