Thursday, July 21, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 18

So after 18 rounds, you probably know the drill, but for the newbies, there's this, or there's this safe and easy-to-use version: One day, you receive two padded envelopes in the mailbox, and each contains a videotape with a popular celebrity or well known public figure getting his or her freak on. Each videotape is labeled with the name of this person of note, and you can only watch one or the other. Which do you choose?

Choose wisely and explain yourself -- that is all!

1. Crash this Wedding: Rachel McAdams or Isla Fisher?

2. Robes off! Supreme Court nominee John Roberts or would-be nominee, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales?

3. Maggie Grace of Lost or British blue-eyed soul singer Joss Stone?

4. Candy man Johnny Depp or Jedi master Ewan McGregor?

5. Naked news: CNN's Soledad O'Brien or MSNBC's Natalie Morales?

6. Political intrigue: Ambassador Joseph Wilson or Badassador Karl Rove?


At 10:33 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. Isla just seems a little hotter. I mean, McAdams is good looking, but she was in "The Notebook," which I fear could make even the heartiest human wang shrivel and fall off.

And Isla has some crazy eyes. That can be a good thing.

2. Well, you know Gonzales approved of S&M, but Roberts looks like his shit would be violent. He's just a little too -- normal. Like it's a facade to hide all the dead trannie hookers trapped in abandoned refrigerators. Safe bet is Alberto "VO-5."

3. Accent + hot = hotter. I will forgive Joss Stone for her White Stripes cover and take her over Grace.

4. Depp would pull in the freaks, in a good way. That indie cred of his would snag every hot alterna-chick with a nose ring and dreamy college co-ed the rest of us could not.

5. Is this the battle of who looks more like "The View"'s Meredith Vieira? I guess Soledad, just so I can get to the next question.

6. I guess you could call it grudge sex tape, because while Wilson might pull better tail, watching Rove shaking and crying as the man juice of his lover comes spilling out into his hair as he pisses himself -- I don't know -- it just seems like a fair payback for fucking with America for so long. (This horrible picture put into your head in memory of Brick Fuchwall, who suffocated while drinking out of a used toilet Monday morning.)

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Kathy Griffin said...

Goddamn it. I hate having to follow Pants. Screw it - I won't even try.
At least Brick is dead, so there's one less shark in the tank.

At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Bricky Fuchwahl Jr. said...

Fuck all y'all. My daddy might have been a filthy, toilet-drinking scumbag, but that was fouled toilet water of his own creation. He died with his boots on and his pants down, and just before the effluvia took his life, he uttered his final words: "Evangeline Lilly!"

In lieu of flowers, send back-issues of Club and Christmas Tree-shaped car fresheners to be placed in his casket.

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Jaime Pudenda said...

Methinks Roberts is one of those repressed Bible-beaten former Catholic School students who keeps such a tight lid on his libido, he eventually turns to auto-erotic asphyxiation or huffing oven cleaner or banging on his penis with a shoe in order to get crazy with the Cheez Whiz. From there, it's a leather jump suit and he's all, "Smell the glove, Slave Whore." If he's confirmed, Ruth Bader Ginsburg will have to check under her desk every morning to ensure that he's not taking a tour of her robe.

Gonzales is into torture, too, but at least the limits and extent of the torture are documented. Roberts, as he have learned, doesn't have much of a paper trail.


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