Thursday, July 28, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 19

Sex Tape Derby has taken on additional heft and -- dare we say timeliness -- in recent weeks in the wake of revelations regarding the homemade sex tapes of Colin Farrell and Eve. So if you haven't paid much attention to this intellectual exercise up until now, well, here's your chance to redeem yourself. The premise is simple. Let's say you must watch a videotape in which the sacred act of lovemaking is rendered cheap and tawdry. Now let's say you must choose who you'd rather see in the aforementioned video. Got it? Good (those still in need of a quick lesson should click here).

Post your selections in the comments sections.

1. Matthew McConaughey or Owen Wilson?

2. Put the what in country? Loretta Lynn or Tammy Wynette?

3. Metallica does the Kama Sutra: James Hetfield or Lars Ulrich?

4. Winona Ryder or Christina Ricci?

5. Just to be weird: Arnold Schwarzenegger or Topher Grace?

6. Julia Stiles or Maggie Gyllenhaal?


At 9:38 AM, Anonymous bevo said...

Not only is STD taking on additional heft, it’s also taking on repetition. Allow me to restate an earlier rule: Anytime McConaughey is involved, you have to take the other choice because McConaughey is such an annoying, vocal, longhorn fan.

Lynn’s performance would result in pregnancy. Although a Lynn/White baby would be pretty freaky.

Hetfield or Ulrich? Doesn’t matter. The real fun of this tape will be downloading it for free.

Ryder passed Go along time ago. Sad… so much wasted potential.

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. This is a battle between reality and perception, because McConaughey would be stoned, while Wilson would just act stoned. Still, career-wise right now, I'd rather see the girl (or girls) that Owen's showing his bottle rocket.

2. George Jones.

3. Between the (literally) balls-out rocking power of Hetfield and the motormouth, annoying as fuck, his son Skeet is more famous than him Ulrich, you have to take the lead singer. Come on -- you ALWAYS have to take the lead singer. Nobody chooses the drummer. Even Pamela Anderson tried Nikki Six first.

4. Ricci can still go, but Winona wasn't even the hottest one on screen in "Mr. Deeds." As long as she's not boning co-star Jason Biggs, I'm in for Ricci.

5. "Chris" Topher Grace wins by default for a couple of reasons. One, I've seen a picture of Arnold in a swim suit recently and it put me off Austrians forever. Two, do you really need to hear a succession of modified catchphrases during the cum shot? Hell, at least with Topher, you know he's only fucking one or two California residents, instead of all of them.

6. I like me some Maggie. Julia is cute and would win out against a lot of people, but Maggie just has a softness to her that's really, really easy to watch. Julia is a bit too angular. Plus, she did "Save the Last Dance," and that movie almost made my dick fall off during the trailer.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Auntie T said...

Tammy Wynette is dead. Are the dearly departed always included in STD, and I've just never noticed before now?

Loretta kicks ass! (musically, not politically)

At 9:30 PM, Blogger Chase McInerney said...

Indeed, Auntie T, STD occasionally includes the dearly departed, but I work on the assumption that the sex vid in question would be pre-death.

At any rate, thank you for noticing. It's about time, Aunt Tina.


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