Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Never. Ever. Period.

I know I said I'd be significantly curtailing this blog -- and I am, I swear -- but I had to weigh in on this latest outrage in the news.

No, not Dumbya's defiant appointment of John Bolton as UN ambassador.

Something far more grievous.

Baltimore Orioles' slugger Rafael Palmeiro, he of the 3,000-hit club and beacon of moral rectitude who wagged his finger before Congress to say he had never taken steroids -- "never, ever, period!" -- has been suspended for, um, uh, well ... taking steroids.

Palmeiro is the first high-profile Major Leaguer to be slapped with a 10--day suspension for testing positive for steroids.

But it's not the way it looks, y'see. Raffy accidentally ingested them, he says, conceding that he doesn't know how the ruinous 'roids sneaked in without an invite. The Baltimore Sun reports:

" 'It was an accident. It was not an intentional act on my part,' Palmeiro said.

"Palmeiro said he must have ingested something -- a supplement, vitamin or food product -- that caused his test to come back positive.

"Major League Baseball, the Orioles and Palmeiro would not be specific about when the test was conducted. But sources familiar with the program -- though not Palmeiro's case -- estimated that at least two to three weeks typically elapse between a test and a ruling on an appeal.

"That means Palmeiro could have been dealing with the issue as he closed in his 3,000th hit, which he got July 15 in Seattle."

Sadly, this is not the first time a naive and gullible Major League ballplayer has been tricked by insidious demons hellbent on giving these professional athletes superhuman strength.

There was Gary Sheffield, who claimed he accidentally took steroids when he applied a cream from Balco Labs to his arms and legs. Whaddya know, the cream turned out to be a testosterone-epitestosterone concoction.

And of course there was Barry Bonds, who wanted nothing more than to slather himself in flaxseed oil when -- surprise, surprise -- the aforementioned substance turned out to be a steroid cream.

Oh, those bastard demons! How dare they surreptitiously enhance the performance of these poor souls without so much as written consent! Worse, these demons shift form as quickly as an extra on "Nip/Tuck," one minute morphing themselves into steroid-happy trainers and the next minute transmogrifying into bat boys who place corked bats in the hands of Cubbies who can't speak English.

Even by the standards of a high school sophomore caught with a joint in his backpack, these are pretty lame excuses.

Next time, Raffy, try "the dog ate my drug test."


At 4:44 PM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

Maybe he was trying to say he never had his period. Depending on what steroids he was using and his low body fat, there's a chance he never felt that womanly trickle.

Poor guy -- he would have made a great mother.

At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe these players should start rubbing pine tar on themselves instead of steroid cream.


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