Sex Tape Derby, Round 22
Hold on to your hats, voyeuristic sex fans, it's another installment of Sex Tape Derby. Let's say, just for the sake of argument, y'see, that you must watch one among each of the following pairs doing the nasty on a sex-soaked videotape. Who would it be? (for the comprehension-impaired, click here for more information). Otherwise, post your selections in the comments section.
1. Donald Trump or Richard Branson?
2. Eva Mendes or Rosario Dawson?
3. Love Story-era Ryan O'Neal or "Six Million Dollar Man"-era Lee Majors?
4. Come on, get happy: Maureen McCormick (aka Marsha Brady) or Susan Dey (aka Laurie Partridge)?
5. The Big O.G.: James Cagney or George Raft?
6. Ellen Degeneres or Rosie O'Donnell?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 10:09 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
1. Trump: You're fired...you're fired...you're fired! you're fired! you'refiredyou'refiredyou'refired!
2. Eva, after Sin City Rosario scares me
3. Lee Majors in The Six Million Dollar Man Whore
4. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
5. Jimmy Cagney
6. Ellen, at least she's not huge...
Marsha vs Laurie? Sweet. Let’s break it down, Dr. Jack style:
Freak factor: While the Brady family was busy learning obvious, heavy-handed morality, Laurie and crew were cruising the scene and kicking out the jams. You just know some of those tour stops were at hippy communes, where Laurie would tune it, turn on, and drop out for a while.
Like fine wine: Maureen aged well, but I’d do Susan to this very dey.
MILF: I wuz Jonesin’ for Shirley. Meanwhile those wink-wink, nudge-nudge moments at the end of Mike & Carol’s bedroom scenes were just… uncomfortable.
Incestuous siblings: Marsha gets the nod by default, simply because of the Bonaduce Effect. Even Cassidy’s dreaminess can’t overcome that.
Hired help: From the I-never-thought-I’d-say-this files – “I’d prefer to look at Reuben Kincaid.” Alice was probably the 2nd worst looking broad on television in the 70s, right behind Bea Arthur. As a child I seriously though Maude was a guy.
There you have it – Laurie in near sweep.
So much of the derby anymore is a which is worse competition. And no. 1 this week exemplifies this.
1. Branson looks like the kind of guy who doesn't mind paying for it and paying enough to get something good. Trump, well, if you count his acting, I guess at least part of him is wooden, though I can't see any woman being pleasured by him without worrying the muskrat on his head is going to spring to life and eat her face off.
2. Eva in a landslide. Dawson has been kind of cute in lots of movies, but Eva has been unbelievably hot in some really mediocre movies. Even my beloved "Stuck Together" is a showcase for her eternal hotness.
3. Majors, who I'd even choose if it had been "Fall Guy"-era, for one, simple reason.
Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
"Oh, Lee -- it really was worth the money."
That shit is stronger, faster and better.
4. Marsha, hands down (my pants). The Partridge Family had better music and that...was...it. Marsha made The Brady Bunch worth watching, in the dark, when my parents weren't looking.
5. Hmmm, the choice is between a smiling demon man-boy or the corpse of an actor. Cagney, I'm sure, was getting better tail. And if the filmmaker was kind enough to pan away from his face, that might be a watchable flick.
6. Again, Ellen is the lesser of two lesbian evils. Rosie, by weight alone, is the greater.
The fact that those are the most famous lesbians in America really depresses me. You know there have got to be a few really hot lipstick lesbians to lust over -- where are they? America, let your voice be heard.
1. Branson. The man's a globecrossing adventurer, for Jeebus' sake, and you know he's fucked half the hot women on "Neighbours" and "Eastenders" in balloon rides and the other half while hanggliding naked off Pao-de-Acucar onto Ipanema Fucking Beach. Virgin Air has the hottest stewardesses in the worldwide travel industry, and you know that Branson has probably circumnavigated every one of them that Liam Gallagher hasn't teabagged on a transatlantic flight.
Trump would spend every minute talking about how "yooge" he is, while instructing Melania on which body part he would like to see modified in accordance with their pre-nup, when you know he's probably fantasizing the whole time about rolling Donny Deutsch in corn dog batter.
2. 'Scuse me while my head goes "Scanners" all over my computer. Rosario has the best lips of any B-to-A-list actress in Hollywood, and that includes Angelina, but I'm looking at this Mendes photo and thinking that she has Rosario beat from scalp to toenails. Dip that in whip cream and lick like a starving cat!
3. Love means never having to say you suck as an actor. Sure, he got to bang Ali McGraw (personal fave rave back in the day), but then so did Cokie McSnortfuck, Robert Evans.
I know how Chasie thinks, and the common denominator here is Farrah Fawcett, who I maintain was no great shakes in the '70s Sexbomb Division. Thing is, Majors got her back in the iced-nipple poster days, while O'Neal got her in the fifth facelift, meth-abusing cycle of her current downward trajectory. Plus, you know it was all "D-d-d-d-d-d-duh!" for the bionic dick every night, so in addition to putting the hydraulic lift to Farrah, he was probably making the mechanized beast with Cheryl Tiegs, Lindsay Wagner, Jaclyn Smith, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Lauren Tewes, Catherine Bach, Valerie Bertinelli and Donna Dixon, too.
4. Well, we know which one Ben Stiller prefers, and I had a crush on Maureen in elementary school, but in retrospect (and that photo certainly helped, Chasie), Susan Dey is wins in a clean sweep.
Hmm. Winsome. Dewy. Would have loved to have been her plaid skirt.
5. Raft might have been a heavy, but he was no fucking Cagney. Cagney in a two way, giving Ann Sheridan his Yankee Doodle Dandy while shoving a grapefruit in Mae Clarke's face. Punch it in!
6. Rosie O'Donnell's a gaseous pork hag, and you know that every time she goes south to harvest the hair farm, she's probably mumbling a tune from "Showboat." A tape of Ellen would probably involve her dancing to fucking ABBA for at least five minutes beforehand, but at least she gets a juicy portion of Portia DeRossi. Nummers!
FARRAH NO GREAT SHAKES IN THE SEXBOMB CATEGOREY?? ARE YOU FUCKIN INSANE..GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS MORON! SHE'S STILL ONE OF THE HOTTEST ACTRESSES AROUND AND SHE HAD LEE MAJORS AND RYAN O'NEAL WHEN THEY WERE IN THERE PRIME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. LOVED THE WAY YOU MENTIONED LAUREN TEWES?? DEBORAH VAN WHO???? AND SEXY DONNA DIXON... THEY ONLY WISH THEY WERE IN FARRAH"S LEAGUE.
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