Thursday, August 11, 2005

Sex Tape Derby, Round 21

Another Thursday, another Sex Tape Derby. For the uninitiated, check here for details regarding this intellectual exercise. But in a nutshell, let's just say that, if forced to decide between the following pairs of good God-fearin' people, whom would you rather watch knock boots in a sex tape?

Post selections in the comments section.

1. Jessica (what like a) Rabbit?: Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?

2. Method sex-acting: Al Pacino or Dustin Hoffman?

3. We love the Seventies (and early Eighties): Lynda Carter or Catherine Bach?

4. Ed Burns or Benjamin Bratt?

5. Mmm ... sisters: Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly?

6. Mouth-to-mouthpiece: Scott McClellan or Ari Fleischer?


At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Aren't some of these re-runs? Really. Isn't the Alba thing...and perhaps the Ed Norton thing...seen it somewhere...and since you're the only freak who does this, it must have been at your site. Best, your anonymous pal.

At 2:28 PM, Anonymous ringo said...

Bach is a possibility because her sister might show up, but you can’t pass up the chance to see the Truth Lariat employed in a skin flick. “Oooh, you’re so… disappointing.”

Uber-bimbo Jennifer has taken annoyance to new heights, so I'll go with Meg - even with the threat that the entire tape is nothing more than a detached, morose cuddle-fest with an impotent William Hurt.

At 4:46 PM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

1. I'll have to go with Alba, preferably around her "Idle Hands" period. Neither are great actors, but at least Alba can play "not dumb." Even with a knowing look on her face, Simpson looks about as well-informed as President Bush.

2. What's odd is that both of them looked kind of similar during the "Godfather II" and "The Graduate" days. Still, nothing ruins a cumshot like hearing "Hoo-ah!", so I'm giving my vote to Hoffman.

"Yes, yes, I'm an excellent fucker. Dad used to take me out on weekends..."

3. I'll take Mrs. Car-ter. Bach, even when she looked good, still didn't look that good. I know, forgive me, but I'd still take "The Fall Guy"'s Heather Thomas over either of them.

4. God -- I hate both of these guys. I'll go Burns, since I have to choose, but that's only because I haven't seen him in any movies with Katie Holmes.

5. Jenny's looking a little too thick, lately, so I'd aim toward Meg and hope, no matter what happens, she keeps that goddamn mouth shut.

6. Sure, it's sick and sad, but I guess watching Scott get barebacked by Karl Rove while Rush jacks off his mostly limp dick in the corner yelling "DITTO!" every five minutes would be satisfying, despite the psychological scars to follow.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger Chase McInerney said...

Pants, you are a sick, sick man.

At 5:14 PM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

First of all, Pants can blather all he wants about my toilet-related death, but he apparently does not know what can be done by putting the right curlicue of pubic hair together with the right unprincipled Korean genetic engineer. Brick is back, fuckers!

1. As a co-worker commented today after seeing those purloined beach photos, "Alba looks like she was sculpted by Michelangelo himself on a particularly horny hetero day." Undoubtedly, one of our regular Derbyites is going to mention how he can never forgive her for being in "Honey," but we're not asking her to act -- we're asking her to ride the untamed Fuck Rhino, undulating and panting, glistening beads of moisture gathering on her upper lip and pouty breasts.

Look at Simpson too long, and she starts to give off the appearance of a trannie -- a hot trannie, but a trannie nevertheless. Something about that chiseled nose and jaw just makes her look like a 13-episode "Bold and the Beautiful" bit player who finally decided he needed double-Ds. Also, as I've said before, any video with Simpson in it is going to feature her pervy father glazing the walls in the corner of the screen.

2. Al Pacino would throw his old ass into it and give it a big "HOO-hah" just as he was putting the mortadella to Gabrielle Anwar. But Hoffman, particularly if he was doing his notorious Robert Evans imitation, would be in classic form, pouring poppers into the Red Bull Punch at Brett Ratner's Rancho Cunnilingua, cornering an 18-year-old walk-on from "Veronica Mars" and asking her if he can do mezcal body shots off her labia.

3. Honestly, that's not the best shot of Catherine Bach -- "The Daily Show" ran one of Bach in a bikini top that could have set a confederate flag ablaze from the other side of the gulley. Everybody talks about Bach's ass, which was like two perfectly formed scoops of mashed taters in a light denim gravy, but her very real breasts were fantabulous -- not ginormous, but yum-lick-shus.

Carter is hotter in that link than she ever was in all that plastic she wore on the show. She seemed too lacquered or something, and her churchy civilian clothing did her no favors, either. Still, joining the Mile High Club in an invisible jet would outdo every dirty day dream Erica Jong ever had.

4. Burns pissed me off when he cut loose his girlfriend from "Brothers McMullen" and "She's the One," Maxine Bahns, and started taking up with marquee superfloozies. Maxine's sweet brown nipples were harder than diamonds throughout "She's the One," and Burns let that go? Granted, he dropped her for Christy Turlington, then for Heather Graham, so he wasn't exactly throwing Bahns out for a roll in ass with Bea Arthur, but still...

Bratt probably does alright for himself, even after getting the "Heave, Ho" from Julia Roberts -- he's married to a truly hot Bond girl now, Talisa Soto, who I would definitely like to see beat on the Bratt.

5. The yoga stretching scene and her big brown eyes in "The Big Chill" were enough to win me to Meg's side, and then her sweet, perfect nakedness in the otherwise abysmal "The Girl in a Swing" made me a lifelong worshipper.

Of course, everyone points (from the crotch) to Jennifer's lesbianificent grinding with Gina Grrrrshon in "Bound," but that interminable whining -- "Ceezer! Ceezer!" -- could cause a Levitra addict to droop.

6. Neither, because both would involve West Wing ass fucking of the most sordid and repressed type. They both look like catchers to me, but Ari's more likely to take Karl Rove's puffy, pasty abscess orally, while McClellan clearly would be getting the high hard one from Jeff Gannon.

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

Dude, you think I'm sick -- Brick brought Gannon into this.

And why is it, whenever anybody makes gay jokes about the current administration, we always pretend that Cheney and Bush don't know or aren't around? I'm sure there are plenty of cheek-spreaders out there with a permenant sneer or the constant visage of a dog that's just been shown a magic trick.

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